wishes daddy n bro wouldn't be so short tempered. why can't they ever get along. n why does bro have to answer back n say hurtful things to daddy? ==" why cant he just keep quiet. N why does mom have to blame me whenever daddy scolded bro, just because she thinks daddy is being unfair to bro n it is my bloody fault.. hate her when she does that.. it's not my fault daddy loves me more because bro doesn't know how to keep his cool and keep his bloody mouth shut when daddy is angry and i do. I am just smarter and I get scolded for knowing how to deal with daddy. Jesus christ! She just didn't want to admit she loves bro more.. Duh!! n she is also same species with bro, dono how to keep her mouth shut when daddy is angry.. ==" hello, u tell us daddy got high blood n wad are u doing when u are arguing with him n not wanting to give in. There is no win win situation in it at all so why not just let him win?! Like i said , there is no triumph in winning a fight if it means hurting someone you love. I rather lose the fight if it makes him better, n he wasn't completely wrong, tho not completely right.. i know it.. he wouldn't admit he is wrong in a fight, bt if he feels he is wrong once his anger subsides and senses coming back he'd do something to fix it.. NO, daddy will never say sorry.. bt he'd do it another way..

Sigh.. angry bro.. angry mom~

he asked me wad my feelings are for u.. I can't answer that, honestly.. Because i m not sure.. For so long, I've tried all my best to put u behind and moved ahead and i thought i did.. bt apparently it made me even confused.. Bt i told him, i dono what my feelings are for u anymore, because i did not think u n i are even possible any longer.. some regrets are probably meant to last a life time.. bt small things about u i find i still care a lot.. to a point, some of it still makes my tears fall.. ==" i m weird.. i cant understand myself..

hmmm~~ is there any special meaning to seeing certain numbers? cz i've been seeing a lot of numbers like

111
222
444
1111
1212
1515
2323

almost everytime i look at the digital clock on my lappy, my father's bedroom, the car, the dvd player, and so on... as long as there are digital numbers and i coincidently looked at them.

*just another curious thought.. ahahha!!

hmm.. time for another book.. =)

Had a photoshoot the day b4.. ahhaha.. the photographer was gd, and extremely patient, much to my liking.. ahhaha!! bt i wasn't satisfied with myself.. hahha.. nid to be better.. abo i wont have good pics.. bt then it was still thanks to mr fong, i did get some nice ones that i liked.. i'm still nt sexy enuf, bt i do like those close shots.. ahahha.. looks gd for someone who normally looks bad in photographs.. ahahha!! when with a right photographer and the right mood, miss unphotogenic can look gd as well.. ahhaha!!

Random though of the moment:

Who says cancers are friggin compatible with scorpios?! I'm gunna kill all the astrologers!! I friggin cannot communicate with scorpios. I can only get friggin attracted and not friggin communicate so how is that friggin fair?! I so friggin tried but i so friggin failed.. sob.. all of them are friggin the same.. friggin charmers yt friggin heartbreakers and i am friggin pathetic.. sob~~

Note** just thought of sth that made me wrote this..

Sigh, not that i'm actually attracted to any new scorpies. Just that i recalled conversations with JWY, my relationship with him, talks with Jehleng (this one is just attracted, just wanna be friends but oso cant communicate), only ah wei is slightly better (fortunately) because he does popped up at gd times.. =) bt then in actual life when we do meet up for gatherings, we dont speak too much either.. LOL!

I so friggin cannot talk to people i like, for what friggin reason i couldn't friggin fathom.. sobs..

Ah well, i guess i can't really blame all the scorpios.. i guess i meet dudes of other diff horoscopes that i like it'll still be the same..

Sucker for handsome dudes but when will u learn that u are nt capable of because u'll turn mute or extra stupid when u meet one.. ?!

Guess I'm from planet ZZZZZZ . ToT

currently listening to Vitas.. =) soothing.. ^o^

Forget wadever i wrote above since they are meant to be cut from my forever 'hu si luan xiang' head and be pasted here. now the space in my head is being replaced by my fave songs..

Vitas o vitas~~ XD
Ah shin o ah shin~ <3

累了吗？问问你~ 累了吗？问自己~（阿信- 累了）
yes, ah shin, i'm kinda tired XD i think i'm going to bed..

Sweet dreams world, Night!!

Mama said she wanted to bao angpao for me as sth for my bday but she forgot. So i said, the party is already a prezzie, so it's gd enuf, so don't bother. Haha! so she said ok lo. But then today she got me pride and prejudice, and p.s. I Love You. Haha! she knows i was looking for ps i love you so Thanks mom! Although she did not say it was for my birthday but i'd make it a birthday prezzie from her. Haha! It's always my fav books she got for my birthday, a few Harry potter books for the previous years and ps i love u for this year.. ahaha~ so nice. Thanks again mom! =)))))) Love you. Hugs~

素描 黄韵玲

一座一座 绵延的山
一朵一朵 漫步的云
一双一双 深邃眼睛
一分一秒 流逝的生命

一部一部 动人电影
一首一首 流行歌曲
一句一句 甜言蜜语
一段一段 刻骨铭心

都会过去
慢慢忘记

钢琴唱著 萧邦的别离
那个夜里 决定和你一起
电台播送 最爱的旋律
听见你说 永远不要放弃
过了很久 会不会想起
勇敢的你 陪我走过风雨

多年以后 一样的天空
再画不出 想念的彩虹

Happy birthday to me! Yes, indeed. I m now 21 years old. Ok, it's supposed to be on the 13th but i blogged about it on the 16th. So typical of me. ahahha!

It wasn't eventful but i was very grateful. Really. I nearly forgot about my own birthday until my dear cousin Jessica reminded me about it. ==" I never looked forward to birthdays but as usual when the day draws near i would still be hopeful it's will be a little different, but =/

This year is kinda upsetting with dad not around for my birthday. but i guess if he's not in thailand he'd probably be elsewhere with his friends. =/ Oh, did i mentioned i was still grateful? Yes, i was. Mom was being a darling. I was surprised. I know she disliked parties or any sort because it would be a lot of trouble preparing and she wasn't very confident with her cooking skills so i never thought about asking anyone around. If daddy is around i might ask him to bring us and a few friends like wying kimmy xy n sp to batu lintang for a dinner. I guess seeing it's my 21st, he wouldn't mind. But then daddy isnt around so, it's a bit off since mom doesn't have as much money. i was thinking mayb just the three of us heading to bl for dinner or mayb ask a friend or two if she doesn't mind the expenses but then maybe not. So mom, after considering says we could ask kim, wying, sp, xy and yheng over to eat. i was like whoa? i was actually very touched but of cz i remained expressionless outside. that's me. ==" i don't show. Normally when i was very young and thoughtless in the past, i would complain saying how come people get big parties and asking friend over but i don't and mom would say it would be a big mess and she don't wanna cook, later people complain her food being nt nice and stuff. Eventually i grew to understand it as well. I didn't like people coming to my house to anyway, probably because i dun have any entertainment to offer, a bloody bad host. Mom was an angel. She took the trouble eventho the normal her wouldn't like it to make sure i get at least a decent celebration of my 21st. She did not cook in the end except for one dish because she had to work and come back at around 6 so there wasn't much time to prepare. So she bought some food with bro running an errand for her.

Xy bought me my fav o jian while kimmy baked me a pie. I got an orange purse with a cat and two fishes from wying, kimmy and sp as well.. teehee! thanks guys. Sorry i was a bad host and there wasn't much to play at my house. N thanks for coming. Thanks mom for the trouble too. I don't know how to say thank you so i'm sorry.. ><"

For my other friends whom i didn't invite. I'm really really so so very very sorry. Because mom didn't want too much guest and ask me to invite the few she knows and i didn't want to make it difficult for her, I did not invite u guys.. Forgive me ya~ ><"

~~" sienz.. i dun mind sms.. i hate waiting for replies.. dang!! bt nvm.. i'll forgive them.. i'm just impatient... and i have also made ppl wait by lying my phone around all over the place that i dun even notice i dun have it with me and to find tons of msgs waiting for me.. well, that was long ago.. now my phone often stay motionless.. the result of me not finding anybody.. It's not my fault!! i don't know wad to say so i dun go prod ppl for chats and then say hi and then how are u this kind of stuff and then after a msg o two i get ignored, and well, I HATE WAITING FOR REPLIES!!! and sigh, i don't go much around kuching, i dunno where are the fun places, or how to go there.. thats why i wont send out msgs like, hey! wanna hang out? bcz people would ask.. sure! where to? and then i would say i dunno, wad do u think? i mean it's weird. u ask ppl out and u have no clue to where u wanna go. n worse still u have to ask ppl to fetch u when bcz u dono the bloody way and it's no gd.. so i rather forget about the wretched idea.. N there the result.. no friends.. sobs.. i can even imagine no one attending my funeral.. i know daddy fears the idea.. he said we should at least pay some respect and ask us to go to funerals of some distant friend and relatives that i have not meant.. well, i rejected of cz.. i hate being among people i don't know.. and he got angry and scold me useless and say that wad if one day he dies and no one comes?! sobs..

i dunno.. might donate my organs? so there wont b a body to see anyway.. mine i mean.. i wants ashes kept in a marble jar store in fu gui shan zhuang. The marble jar is so pretty.. ok.. so i like marble.. ><" just like i like diamonds.. and white gold. I'm materialistic.. yesh yesh i m. I am not rich and i hate the fact, but that does not make me wanting a rich hubby (yeah, i surprised myself too). i felt made to be princess. i hate doing dishes, house chores, the washing and i hate cooking (because i'm afraid of the fire and hot oil), and i can only wear pure gold silver and white gold.. mom says blame the nickel which is what my skin is alergic to.. same goes to detergens and other cleaning stuff for dishes especially strong ones, continuous usage caused iritations and skin peeling off.. ==" i didn't know until i work at some tokiwado stall and kept wondering why i kept getting thick rough skin forming on my hands and then kept peeling off until i got the hang of it.. and taekwondo, going bare footed on dirty grounds outside the house made skin peels as well.. nobody will ever want to marry me, says mom. i agree.. men, chinese, all still have that silly thinking that wives should do washing cleaning when now women works nearly as long hours as men nowadays. I dunno, i have to get prepared to remain unwanted tho. Honestly, I did love him and didn't want to lose him. but all those time i dreaded too. I am afraid of his mom, I didn't like his idea of a wife who would clean the house, cook and wash his clothes for him, but then if he really love me he wouldn't mind if i don't wanna do it, but after coming to my senses i know he doesn't love me.. Not enough.. I dun think his new girl does any of those too.. looked very rich and spoiled to me.. (i said look, i din say she is in case u see it and got sensitive ==") but i guess he doesn't mind her being that way.. he was back to those times, when with anne i guess.. wearing couple tee shirts and stuff.. I am not jealous, because it's not worth getting upset over anymore.. Just stating the difference when he was with me.. I felt like a bridge, to let him get over the past to a new future(her). I remember him claiming he was not very sweet with words or stuff when i asked him why he doesn't call me bb anymore. He said wanting a steady relationship, not wanting pressure and stuff, don't see much, each doing our own thing, not taking things to seriously and stuff, it was all lies i know. The reason why he couldn't is because i am not his bb anymore, no more in his heart. If his mouth wasn't covered with honey and cotton candies he wouldn't be so sweet in the first month, or now even sweeter with his J judging by some post with hun, sth sth. I've read his old blog long time ago, and was instantly jealous of A, because i still love him back then. A dozen names like baby, honey pot, pig all over his blog everything was about her. So sweet. Maybe with J all these came back. I couldn't blame him. How could a block of wood compare to a fun sexy hot J. I bet his friends would have though the same. And talking about the same issues as A, if it wasn't wrong, like A, J wasn't available when he fancied her. He loves challenges altho he might not know it himself. Most men does. It's in their hormones. Nobody would appreciate a trophy won in a competition when he knows he had won it without much effort made.

dear wying is always wiser than me. always the one to see through all the guys i gave my heart to, telling me they are no good for me but never once i listen. I always know she was right but i was persistent until i finally get real hurt and had to accept the fact. She told me to break up asap to minimize the hurt because we both know he had changed, but curse all those what ifs and maybes. What if he just need space? maybe he needs time. Maybe he still loves me. So i dragged on, he still does care i told myself, well, it's true he does, but it wasn't love, and it was also guilt. I stalled, until he broke it himself. I wasn't blind. I was just hopeful. I knew it was a mistake the instant the damage was done, i told him i felt guilty, it was only part of wad is true, part of me know he would leave me. Things changed after i came back from damai with my own gang from Arang and him going to work. I can sense. And I now know why I was all so reluctant to leave the last time we see each other before the trip. It wasn't the same after that. He never called me bb anymore after some time, never asked me over to his place anymore, only brief oks when i asked if i could go over. It was like given the space and time without me had dawned on him he felt better without my presence and i admit i probably pressured him with my dullness and lack of response to things and speech that he did not know what else to do with me. I got it. he never hug me nor kiss me anymore. And then he would be standing nowhere near me later on, sometimes acting like i wasn't around, invisible to be more precise, looking away abruptly when every he accidentally catch my eye. I kept quiet because I was never someone to cause a scene or start an argument after i left childhood. My friends all know without needing to ask me what's going on. Honestly when they ask I couldn't answer either, because he wasn't saying anything. I just said I dunno, he was acting weird. Natasha was so mad at me for being so calm and not being angry at him. I was mad at myself too. I just hated conflict. I was avoiding. I am not stupid. Just not brave enough to face it. I am forever hopelessly hoping that there is still hope lying around. And is still hopelessly hoping until the moment he said he was ending it when i started crying, that was the moment i know it was all over. Before that i was perfectly calm, not expecting a break up, thinking he just wanna talk, telling me why he was acting like a jerk but then i was wrong. He was so bad to pick ma zhong where i've only went once. If i were some looney who would cry everytime i revisit my breakup scene, it would be my last visit there. Fortunately i almost never feel like crying when there are friends around and i always have company wherever i go it didn't hurt to revisit that park anymore.

I rarely cry in front of people or rarely cry all together at all after i left primary school. It was always people i really loved like daddy, and stupid unworthy boys who made me cry. I find myself stupid, if it was for daddy i understand, but them?! they wouldn't even know i was sobbing hard in my pillow. I was labeled cry baby in primary sch because every time the teacher took her cane out to give me a whip for scoring badly for chinese dictation which i feel was unjust because i could never understand chinese or learn as fast as how i learn english. i could do english in minute whereas it takes days for chinese and i still never get a good score. I decided from then on that i hate chinese and swore not to take it after i go to secondary school. But then i was grateful that even though i hated it i still took the subject till form 5 and miraculously got a B3 for it. Honestly, i don't deserve it, seeing the numbers of chinese words i can read are equal to those of primary students, wad more to say write. I guess one reason why i like Mr. Tan was that he was different. Teachers don't take notice of me because i am either average or crap. crap in math rubbish in science that i doubt the teacher knew i exist, well except for mr yeo, which was a surprise at first because i don't feel i am pretty enough for him to notice and his other victims like kenderling, cecelia or yun may are far more prettier than i. I just think he probably like quiet students. For subjects like history and stuff i am just average so teacher doesn't really acknowledge my existence. It was only in english that teacher knew a bit of me (that was until, my english never improve any longer and people like sheng han,ray and alvin got all the attention) and arts. But lately the feeling was no more there. In a school of arts, I know i won't be the best any longer. Like my english, my artistic skill were stunted, no more improving, and at times at the verge of deteriorating it upsets me. If i'm not good in arts, i'll never be good in anything. it drives me mad sometimes, not at my friends who started to be better than me but at myself who couldn't go any further. I hate the feeling of worthlessness.. It's like standing there not knowing what to do during a bbq party when people are busy doing the bbq-ing, getting the fire ready while i stood there, thinking i wanna help but at the same time not wanting to because i do not want to get myself burned or make a mess instead of helping. Most of time i hate cooking or cleaning or stuff like these but at rare times like these i hate my princess self. That's why i opt for steamboat, because at least i could cut some veges and mushrooms.

I decided I need to be rich, at my own effort but my timid self and the fear of risk taking is getting in the the way so much i was most of the time so mad at myself i kicked myself real hard when opportunities just slip away like that. Marrying a rich man is something mr tan said i should do, but how reliable can a man be? Even the sloppiest man on earth wouldn't be able to stay faithful when given a chance for a woman more appealing than the one he already had. If a man is already flirting around before marriage, changing from Italian, to french, to Mexican, then to a sexy Latino, what much can a wedding ring do to keep him from looking for more exotic cuisines behind ur back? Rich men are like strong magnets, even if he intends on staying faithful, how much seduction from left, right, centre can he resist before giving in? I am not claiming all men to be unfaithful, for there are also women who are such. My point is, depend on a man too much to give you riches and security, and when he's gone, you are left with nothing. I know me, being overly dependent, i could collapse right there and right then once my main source of support is taken from me. No, I had to be rich, I had to be supporting myself, i had to afford servants to spare me all those cleaning an cooking (unless i feel like it), my expenses, and to fulfill all the things i want to own and to do on my own and not having it taken from me just because i wasn't wanted anymore. But it scares me, with my hard to change attitude, and living in a country and society where few people believe in achieving the impossibles. Migrating? It's been on my mind for like forever, but then if my attitude stays changing where i live wouldn't do much help at all.

I dream a lot since a child. I have always been dreaming about living in a peaceful country with trees, mountains and seas or lakes, ponds or any of that sort, fresh air, a simple but spacious house where i can have a dog or two, a stable where i can keep a horse or two and go horseback riding with friends (or hubby and children if i have any) along the path with trees on both sides leading along a huge lake with birds flying in the sky, ducks and swans frolicking in the water where i would stop and get down my horse, move to the edge of the pond and throw bread crumbs into the lake. Perhaps spreading a blanket and sit there enjoying the view and nature. And if there was someone out there lucky enough to be mine, he would be there siting next to me quietly taking in all the beautiful things around us. I like it best when both are quiet and still enjoying each others company. It was a beautiful picture and i dunno if such heaven exists. I like quiet moments with people i love, but usually people just couldn't stand the silence. I don't get it. You think more when you talk less. It's always too much talking that always made me say the wrong stuff or meaningless stuff,which i hate myself for. Silence gives one more space for thinking and analyzing and observation. If you have nothing good or productive to say, why not shut up and enjoy each others company, or listen and look at ur surroundings. It felt more meaningful rather than racking your brains for things to say and getting you mouth dry for too much talking. I hate the city, That is why i only wanted to study in UK but not live there. Unless i earn fast and enough to retire to the countryside where i heard from ms Goh (my favourite english tuition teacher in history) that it was all so splendid, with beautiful cottage houses with thatched roof and little gardens and low wooden gates that you could casually hop over.(ok, she only said beautiful thatched roof and i imagined the rest) I need a place with fresh air and healthy activities to live in because pollution always made me sick and moody.

One of the reason i like National service is because i was happier there. One of my happiest moment in life. In a place where air is fresh that i didn't feel my stomach ache for once for i am constantly having headache and stomachaches all the time.. Ok, it did happen once in camp because i didn't have time to poo that morning.. and I did not feel as hard to breathe as it was even though i was running too much.. Mind you, i hate running. It was like a little heaven away from reality except that i hate marching at 2pm under the sun. I love marching, really i do, but not the sun. I was so happy looking at a heavy downpour once that i got crazy and talked my friends into joining me for a walk in the heavy rain from the dewan jati perkasa to our dormitories and got reprimanded by our santa daddy looking komandan, not really scolding but he told us to hurry back to our dorms. He was driving down the road when he saw us. We nodded and i laugh, dancing my way back.. it was incredible. I enjoy the time where i would be siting on the first table because I'm an Alpha and looking at the end of the hall on the last table where a Delta dude named Valentino Bon Jovi Bong sat. I dunno what about him attracted me, but i guess a lot of girls in camp does look at him. I hate to feel like i am one of them.. I just like him being sporty and strong, tall, dark. It was total and merely admiration. Really, until I got kinda jealous when a friend of mine gets really close to him. Nevermind that, as always, everyone around me got to know him eventually except me because I was forever too shy. And i literary kicked myself real hard when he came over and played volleyball with us girls and he passed a ball to me twice and i blurted out a 'not again' on the second without meaning to and he never passed me a ball after that.. I really hate myself when i do and say all those stupid stuff out of nervousness.. i actually did collapse to the floor because i was shaking and my leg couldn't support me anymore. The good feeling turned sour in the end, because i feel somehow in the end he kinda disliked me, for what reason i dunno. I just felt so. There wasn't proof so mayb he doesn't and it was just my imagination. It felt awful but i was naturally saved and taken back to reality by none other than dear wei rong whom i met again at the cultural village when all camp members were to visit. It was coincidence he went there with mr tan and I was obviously thrilled and i actually shouted is name, waving so hard and ran over to him after not seeing him for such a long period of time. It was so so wonderful that all i though about after that was him and looked less at valentino. Of course, i was still relunctant as days pass by that i am gonna say goodbye to the crush in NS kem puncak permai,Tondong that i never talked to. In last minutes effort on the last day while waiting for our cars to arrive, i took a deep breathe and smsed him to take a last picture with me. Miraculously, he said yes and actually knew who the msg was from. Too bad my last effort was all crap shit cow dung because the picture was blurred and my eyes was closed, thanks to my friend. But it doesn't matter because i am going to see someone more important that night. Yesh! There was a zhu hun event that night and wei rong was performing, how could i miss. I was so damn happy to see him but then like always, we didn't get around to talk much. I now regret not having the guts to do what xy told me to do and i still think about it sometimes. If i were to tell wei rong how i felt before i went to camp, would things be different? I left arang, but we were still texting each other often even after that. If i were to tell him before i went to camp, and he accepted, he would have been mine and even if the relationship with him hadn't lasted forever i would still rather him being my first. And if my attempts were to fail,at least i knew i tried and would i still have a 3 months camp to get over the pain with but i didn't. I hated myself for it.. I hate me for not even trying and only got on to tell him near the end of that year and to find that he had move on and his feeling were no longer there. It was how he had felt for me before and i had to find out one year late that is killing me more than anything. I couldn't have kicked myself harder in my life and i never actually got over it. I told him i could wait. He said maybe he would accept one day if i would (wying called him a jerk for that) but it gave me hope.Eventually, he probably found it unfair or he was falling for another that he told me not to wait any longer. but I kept on chasing, wishing real hard he would look back but as years pass It finally dawned on me that it is near impossible for me to reach him anymore. Judging the circumstances, judging the fact that he and i had already start leading separate lives, and as time goes on the gap just grew wider. I could enter his life anymore, Our mutual friends grew less, mutual topics became rare until there was nothing left, awkwardness crept and stood in between us, as we no longer knew each other as much as we used to in the past. We couldn't get back to once upon a time. The time i missed greatly, especially the time when i had yet realised my feelings for him and was forever so fond of his humour and company. I adored him greatly (i tot as a friend)that i told yhan and called him 'my kai xin guo' (his gf that time) and no wonder she felt threatened, she probably knows i like him before i did myself. It was all too late. It just wasn't at the right time for all to happen and it was too bitter to watch them pass me by. He grew and flourished, more mature, lovable, confident, smarter as days passed, whereas I, I'm still the bitter old me, making mistakes wherever i go, not growing at all.. and probably withering along with time. He doesn't need me anymore, there just isn't space for me in his current life. I gave up, wishing him all the best. I moved on, fallen on the attempt because the relationship with Z didn't work out and crashed out more of my confidence and i had to start all over. But this time, I am not chasing after wei rong anymore. It hadn't worked in the past and it will never work now. Even my subconscious mind knew the fact, with all the dreams I've had about him which had me waking up feeling sad of in tears some time ago, about how he would just be in front of me look so gorgeous and glowing but yet so very out of reach, and only once was i able to grasp him only to let him slipped right out of my fingers again. I am choosing to stay behind and watch him fly, giving him support if i could give. Seeing him soaring higher and applauding in silence at his every success. It is always good to see him doing great at every encounter but was sad to be reminded that i wasn't, couldn't, and wouldn't be part of it. I wouldn't claim that i still love him because i don't know. But still I cared about him a lot, a tremendous lot. =')

It's probably my longest ever post. I know it may sound ridiculously like a novel and may have given up reading halfway but then it's all my feelings about my past my present about certain parts of my life.

Ahhh~~ managed to finish 2 books this holiday.. wasn't bad.. especially the book of tomorrow by cecelia adhern. Lotsa twists..

the second the love trainer by who i forgot wasn't as thrilling, mayb because i could already guess most of who would dump who and that katie would end up with the ben guy, not that the book was precise but still, u get the idea.. It's still nt bad. considering about how some girls in the novel are well pathetic like me.. Low self-esteem and stuff, going to all length to please men who doesn't love and appreciate them, not knowing that they could be better off and deserve far more. Katie, the main character of the book was in a total mess after paul and then being with crispin was safe and all because he love her very much, but unfortunately realised she doesnt love him at all but wasn't brave enuf to break up with him because he was perfect in every way, n most of all very good to her. For katie, who was so messed up after paul decides she doesn't believe in love anymore couldn't stand it when friends and close people around her are acting all silly over men who doesn't appreciate them and taking them for granted, cheating them behind their back, and so when she found that her boss's love life was in a total mess she had to step in and fixed things right for her. she taught her well, telling her that she deserve better, that even though near her forties she is still stunningly beautiful, and out for grabs, a successful rich career woman and needn't jump into the arm any useless asshole that pay her any attention and then go to all length to please them and trying not to be too 'high maintenance' until that jerk decided to dump her again. She eventually learned it all, got rid of Tim, who ignored her calls when she need him, get her all nervous and waiting for him to return calls, called her to say sorry and giving all crappy reasons and rubbish excuses and telling her he love her (puke puke) and agreed on a meet up which he never turns up and then some night, even having the face to appear on the door step f**king DRUNK and obviously needing a free place to stay for the night, free food and when he's needing free ***. And she is so weak and agreed to let that piece of filth in let him have whatever he wants and them have him gone MIA again and the bloody cycle went on. FOrtunately, with Katie's help, the nightmare was over and she obviously got happier, giving Katie a job as a love trainer which deal with relationship problems, on magazine columns tv shows, making her famous. Katie also sorted some of her boss, rebecca's, friends messed up love lives.. Eventually she realised all those things she had been advising people to do are things she was telling herself to do and that despite helping other people, he own love life is a total mess up. she set crispin free, telling him he deserve someone that really loves him. Ben, who was rebecca's partner, made her heart jolt, but she kept suppressing it, reminding herself of paul who broke her heart in the past and not to be so vulnerable and gullible to fall for the trap. eventually, ben and her got to express their feeling. The book did not say happily ever after tho, just leaving more space for us to imagine.. hahaa.. rebecca flourished and got with Ronan, Katie's all-too-good-that-girls-couldn't-stand-and-eventually-dump-him flatmate.

The books got tons of set backs though. For one thing. It's all about london. N i've always wanted to go england (to study, i wanted to live in NZ, somewhere more peaceful). And the life style of all the people in the story is horrible. clubs, drugs, drinking,***. Men flirting, saying that could give the world and load of crap shits only for one reason, to get ur knickers off and into bed. Damn! What kind of society is that?! But then i guess it's like that in the west. But it sure stained my idea of going there. Nevermind. i guess if u avoid clubs u avoid trash..i m no party animal and i hate blokes smelling of alcohol and cigarettes. Besides, I don't like the use of language in the book. n well, they are referring men to dogs that needs training, which i dun think so. Dogs are more adorable and loyal.. =)

I prefer cecelia's book of tomorrow better although love trainer did teach me not to be an idiot in the future. LOL!

Last book.. think I'll start reading mayb tonight.

Ken's birthday had passed for a week plus edi and still i think it was wonderful. Don't get me wrong.. hahaha.. I wasn't with her during her birthday. But it was sweet seeing that despite certain problems faced previously she took the initiative, fixed things up n not letting go just like that and it turned out even better, things got back on track n Heng just did the sweetest thing on earth. He baked her a birthday cake. On her 21st birthday. Ok, so it wasnt the prettiest cake i have ever seen but sweetest i suppose. Way to go both of u..the first relationship of urs did not work 8 years ago. I guess both of u were given 2nd chances, 3rd if considering the problems u guys faced n nearly ended all the 2nd chances given but both took steps and mend it up. Guess you are both meant for each other after all.. =)

Guess now kimmy is also in love. Good for her though her boy is a bit of a surprise for all of us. Turns out to be our long time no see primary sch classmate. Hahah! Good.. Go kimmy! Best wishes.

Lian and Siang's wow.. so long still so loving. Guess everyone will surely admire and envy them.. Hope you guys with make through every thick and thin and still come out of it together stronger than ever.. wo kan hao ni men! =)

As for dear ah pui, haha.. Knew it would be her.. cool!! pretty and handsome.. nice.. Ah pui is a really nice dude, surely this girl is a nice one too.. best of luck to both of u too..

XY is predicted to have one this end of the year. The suan ming ah pek told her during cny. Lets see who the guy is.. ekekeke!! hope she would start being serious this time.. ahahah!!

Wying wying, when will yours come, it's been very long since the first. Hope your prince arrive and never let you go. =)

Lyde is even cool!! getting married next year!! *squeal* 7 years, wow!! make it till 100 years will ya!!

Yhan and hers (i dunno who) go go!! Jangan out of sight out of mind. U guys will have to face it after training. stay real strong. Hugs~

Sylvia n eggtart too.. Hope eggtart gets more mature and protect our dear little sylvia.. =)

best wishes to nikolas and his girl too (also, i dono who) ahhaha!

Gao wu and his girl too!

wow~~ too many.. Did i miss anyone? All the best guys.. =)))))))))))

i feel ignored.. guess i did sth wrong..?

Lately listening to olivia ong's songs.. this is one of the songs that i like.. =)

Love Fools

Dear, I fear we're facing a problem
you love me no longer, I know
and maybe there is nothing
that i can do to make you do

Mama tells me I shouldn't bother
that I ought to stick to another man
a man that surely deserves me
but I think you do

So I cry, I pray and I beg

Love me, love me
say that you love me
fool me, fool me
go on and fool me
love me, love me
pretend that you love me
leave me, leave me
just say that you need me
Love me love me
say that you love me
leave me leave me
just say that you need me
I can't care 'bout anything but you......

Lately I have desperately pondered
spent my nights awake and I wonder
what I could have done in another way
to make you stay

Reason is not key to solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
as long as you don't go


So I cry, I pray and I beg

Love me, love me
say that you love me
fool me, fool me
go on and fool me
love me, love me
pretend that you love me
leave me, leave me
just say that you need me
Love me love me
say that you love me
leave me leave me
just say that you need me
I can't care 'bout anything but you..

Haih

Guess every time i see u i still feel both happy and sad at the same time.. JWY, when will that ever change.. i thought it would be different this time.. guess it's not.. neways.. congrats in getting to the finals.. hope i can make it to ur finals on the 8th of august..