想了一想你昨晚的那番话。。我在想，你还没听到我的心声呢。。 你说，‘你比较喜欢被爱。。不喜欢付出得比女的多。。’

那我呢？怎么办。。虽然心里面很喜欢很喜欢那个人，可是我还是选择接受你的理由是因为对你有一些感觉，也想尝一尝被爱的滋味。。我的心很疲倦了。。所以才想找一个很爱我的人。。可是，你说了这些，我还需要坚持下去吗？？

昨天带他去看我很喜欢很喜欢的那个他的表演。。其实我很不愿意的。。不想让他看见我等了四年多的人，也不想让那个让我等了四年多的人看见他。。可是他们都看见了对方。。说真的。。第二个理由是我真正的原因啦。。 告诉他的话，他会有什么反应吗。。 ？

心里是有你。。不过我不得不承认，我最爱的还是他。。 我是不是坏人？

我和欣颖在聊天，说着说着。。又聊到他。。

她问我为什么选择他。。我没有一个答案。。
说了很多我一直都在烦恼的东东。。
但当我说：不懂为什么，当我告诉他爸爸不是很喜欢他的时候，他说也许让一切归零比较好时，我突然很不舍，便把他给挽留住。。
欣颖回答说：也许只是你突然找到安全感或肩膀， 因为你的身边没有，所以突然出现 你害怕失去。。
我不懂为何留下眼泪。。难道是这样？
我想了很多很多，但是，一旦和他在一起时，烦恼全都跑了。。
当他问我时，我之前在担心的一切我都忘了，就那么点头了。。天啊~~我在想什么？我为什么会这样？？我要变坏人了吗?

if i will end up hurting a being, i'm never going forgive myself.. but now i am selfish..

好像有那么一点点想你 >.<"

没有人能忍耐我可以有时发呆一句都不说。。你真的行？我还是不信~~ 肯定会累死你~~~！

之前拍照时，遇见一个挺可爱的男生。。 昨晚和欣颖还有他一同喝茶，鼻子挺挺，眼睛闪闪的，很爱笑，声音也很好听，人挺幽默的，还跟爸爸同一天生日。。很不错啦。。 哈哈！

不过，这样一开始就把人家当男人看，很难要顺起自然说话做个朋友。。 >_> 唉~

现在身边的朋友都为爱所困，让我觉得不是自己一个人。有的时候，他们的失落，让我觉得，我突然变正常了。不再是那个众多人嘻嘻哈哈当中那个过于文静，看似闷闷不乐的女孩了。这不代表我不难过。只是，我天生喜欢尽力当好一个小小的聆听者，希望虽然帮不上忙可是还可以让朋友们感觉好多一些，感觉还有一个人在身边支持着，并不是一个人的同时，把自己的注意力给分散了。。不懂这是好是坏。。不过，我更希望我的朋友可以坚强起来。可能这样一来，他们如果开心起来了，那失落的我也许会因为大家的欢笑声，还有正面的力量，渐渐恢复，慢慢笑起来~

没见面是否会更想念，还是，会让自己平静下来，好好思考？

虽然看清，也明白，也清醒了，却不代表感觉已完全消失。。只是换个角度看，换个角度想。。不想失去，也不想一无所有。。不是情人也不是朋友。。

我真的只想回到过去，简单的喜欢他的存在，像个家人一样，习惯他的好强冷漠怪脾气但不会太过在意，喜欢依赖他，喜欢虽然是朋友但可以让我撒娇，喜欢我在他面前是自己，喜欢他冷漠无情时突然又无意的小关心小体贴，喜欢他明明心底深处是个好人，却被那么多那么多讨人厌的习惯和脾气给遮盖住了,喜欢他“暗笑“的膜样，更喜欢他是唯一能让我只是单纯的像个朋友一样不分男女界限喜欢的一个人。。

我不敢，也不舍得喜欢他。。因为，像他这样的人，我一旦爱上了，一切就会不一样。我会开始变得在意他忽冷忽热，更希望他会了解我，在乎我，关心我更多一些。我会很贪心的想要很多很多和他性格有所反差的东西。更讨厌的是，我会开始很在意他对我的看法和想法，有时候很多事情不像之前那样想说就说，害怕他不开心，害怕无意的伤害他，也不喜欢自己开始在他面前笨手笨脚的，渐渐变得不是真正的自己。

明知道这一切，不懂当初为何决定打开心门，让他住进我那伤痕累累的心。。现在后悔自己太冲动，不够理智，破坏了一直都很珍惜的东西。他拒绝了，虽然我没有很明确的说，他也没有很明确的答，不过那个答案代表了他的心意。虽然我还是很不要脸的认为他不是完全没感觉，只是还没准备好，但我一样尊重他的决定。。也认为这样可能长期内对彼此都好。。

现在也许看似有点恢复正常。。但我可以感受到我们之间已经开始有了界限，可能再也回不去了。。现在也已经看不到那发自内心，笑得像个小孩，眼睛像是星星般明亮的看着我的他了。如今，在他眼里，我只看见逃避，看到不安。那漂亮的眼睛从此暗淡，不再闪耀了。。

The shoot was tiring n hot, n stuffy, but still, it was fun.. weird because it felt like a movie, with the people starring in awkward roles, but then i get to spend my first wedding shoot (tho fake) with the my biggest and longest crush in history..

Though we are now just friends, he did felt like the right 'groom' at that moment hahaha! Exceptionally protective and caring like a real husband to be.. but then of cz there is still awkwardness between us because it aint real.. he did most of the guiding professionally, very patient with me and my clumsiness, making sure i was safe.. I do feel safe, tho the hugs were just merely for the photoshoot.. it was tight, secure.. especially on the 'harbour'.. i was really shaking, because of the wooden planks with gaps n me with my heels. I never am secure with gappy wooden planks even when in flats.. was off balanced few times n he was so protective that he hugged and held me real tight i was touched.. a side i've never seen of him.. did feel like the 4 years was worth it even tho it did not bear any result, bt at least he made himself a worthy person..

He made me remember the good old times, when i first knew him, some of his habits just wont change, still as funny as can be, his weird laughter, and when he say, ' tu ran jian hen xiang fang pi' when we are supposed to look at each other passionately like how he used to be in the past when people are eating happily, how he would just grab my drink and take a gulp or a sip, how he would just say some funny funny stuff and make me laugh.. My kai xin guo as I would always call him secretly in the past and only yin han knew, still exists, he's still there..

It's almost perfect, except for now my heart is opened for another.. of cz, he still remains a very very special person in my heart, but i know we were nt meant to be, at least, not now. If I'd not seen and accept the fact that he needs to fly around, he needs to be free, i guess i'll still keep him locked inside my heart still.. definitely still stubbornly waiting and not willing to look at people around me.. Too bad the other guy whom i've decided to let him in, he seems as not meant to be as wei yong..

Hopefully later today would be a great day for all, and i can be less awkward and desmond could get great pics.. Nevertheless, i'd really appreciate and be grateful for the time I get to spend with wei yong, for who knows when I'd get a chance to spend such a long time with him again in future.. He is going to KL and then to SG soon.. It was sad to hear that, i nearly cried.. Happy for him, bt reluctant to see him go.. I am going to do my very best later today and make the time with him worthwhile... Dear Lord, I thank you for everything, and may good things go to him, helping him to achieve what he wants and what he loves, Amen..

Sometimes i really hate u but.. ah well.. i know u already for who u really are and i still.. really zi tao ku chi.. but i guess i'll go back to normal real soon.. for my sake, for ur sake, for our friendship.. make it easier for all of us.. i m pushing the feeling really really really deep deep deep inside until i myself cant find it.. we are definitely better off friends.. n friends we shall be.. I've let u know my feelings, I've at least tried, so like wying say, i have no regrets like i have with wei rong.. I did at least make my feelings clear.. n i have an answer.. eventhough i would really wanna ask if u have even the slightest feeling.. but i guess it wouldn't be necessary since ur answer would still be the same..

Realistic, no candy coated words, cold, unemotional, I'd say, weird enough, all these i hate about you, are also the reasons i really like about you.. Sigh.. i dono la.. bt felt like u are now purposely being mean.. it's ok tho.. i get a pay back.. since i do not actually treat ppl who like me but i don't like in return real nice..

I'm sorry I'm here again.. this is the only place that can make feel better now.. to release it and then feel temporarily better..

How long will this go on? Why cant I why cant he pretend nothing has happened.. Say also regret, no say also scared regret.. But my mistake was change of attitude at the first place.. Can't stop aching, even when I don't face him.. I didn't know it could be this difficult.. I miss that him terribly but now he is too far to be reached already.. Some people say it takes very long to recover because he's not a stranger but a friend.. but how long? 2 years? 3 years? I don't have that long.. Going on like this it will be the end.. There will be a huge gigantic gap between us that can never be filled or mended anymore if too much time has passed.. Why, things could turn bad overnight and it might take forever or never recover at all? What kind of test in life is this? I cannot think the way you think, that u can list someone as whoever he means to u no matter how he treat u, nor can i ignore the fact of all the phacking changes was all my fault, nor can I do what Ray said and just give up on you, on saving our friendship, and move on with a new life. I hold on to memories, the past, and treasure them.. wanting to keep them the way it is.. It's not sth my heart can withstand any longer.. He didn't even say good night anymore.. I wouldn't have cared in the past.. But I phacking care a lot now..

I wish my wying wying were here.. I really wanna just hug her tight and pour my heart out..

Now my heart is open for u, there is other way to close it until u are happy with someone else.. I guess I'll just have to endure it till that day.. or if I'm fortunate enough, until the one arrives..

Dear Lord, You have not been answering my prayers, but I'll pray to You again nevertheless.. Help me go through this strongly and bravely.. Hope things get better soon day by day, hope we could go back to how it was.. or if I could just have this greedy thought just this once, that he'll just walk in through the door.. Amen~

田馥甄 Hebe《寂寞寂寞就好》MV

found this song by accident.. haven't listen to any of hebe's songs yet.. this one nt bad.. ahha! bt of cz nt as touching as the one that made me cry..

寂寞在唱歌~

从来没有对一个人有那么强烈的感觉。。只可惜对象爱错了。。 如果不是你，那该多好。。现在也许还是疯狂的玩在一块。。 都怪我太有自信，以为我们只可以是好朋友所以没有和你保持距离。。 也都怪我被动摇了，选择放弃压抑自己的心意随着感觉走才会这样。。我在努力挽回友情。希望你不要轻易放弃。。也许明道说的对，真正的朋友不会让你担心是否会失去他，但我不想没有尽力挽回就这样放弃，然后留下遗憾。如果，做不到，希望爸爸让我往梦想奔跑，到一个新的地方，从新开始。。

每天，都会有想哭的时候。。以为感觉好些的下一秒，眼泪又开始掉。。每天早睡，好让我能少面对心疼几个小时。。
以前分手时，我还能把所有的注意力都放在朋友学业上。可现在我连那个动力也没了。。以前还能和人说，但现在唯一能聆听的几个朋友都不在身边。。

上帝，请你不要再给我这种考验了，我真的不会~~ 不管多少次，我还是没有办法好好处理。。

我从来都不相信，一对男女只能做单纯的好朋友。一直到我认识你，想法才开始改变。结果，好像真的不行。。
从以前开始，我都会和男生们保持一段距离，和女生较好。。可是每当有心事时，除了宛萦之外，我却只能和男生谈的比较深。。不过，你还真的不是个聆听者，所以偶尔和你聊了一半就放弃。。

现在还是乱七八糟。。不过，过一阵子踏出家门的那一步，我会带上面具。。过好我的一天。。请您协助我。。我会做得更好。。

现在，不想那么多了。
不管有没有结果，我决定等待。。
我会好好的，乖乖的，尽量不让你感到压力。。
这是我的选择，痛不痛我自己负责。。 =）

很久没有听到让我泪流的歌了。刚刚听了几遍还是一样会哭。T^T

The same old me. Haha! I know the answer, I know it'll hurt, I know but I just had to have proof. I get it now, the feeling sucks so much I don't feel like doing anything but sleep and never have to face the world again.

I have 2 days to go back to normal. 2 days to put everything behind me. 2 days to fix the damage. 2 phacking days to get back to the soulless and cold blooded me. Perhaps it's a blessing. After him, I guess there wouldn't be anyway i could open up to anyone anymore, at least not in school. There are no more possibilities and I can probably finish my studies in peace.

When it comes to this, I have to say FML~ Nothing could bring me more down that this issue. It's not like it's only happened once.. It happens all the time. I should be immune to it by now but i'm still not. Maybe this is bloody last. Last!!

This will be my last post about this stuff, to get rid of it from my head that is.

Another prayer:
Dear Lord, help me pass this test. Within two days or less, help me get it over with this. So when Monday comes everything will be like it was before. No more feelings, no what so ever. Help me stay strong, and to face him and everything bravely. Amen..

Faced it, he kinda just became Wei Yong no.2..

FML~ Why must it be you of all people.. Why? Haih~~~ I dowan I dowan.. Turn back time please..

I observed. What happened was probably just an accident. He doesn't seem interested. Worse still I feel that he is kinda annoyed with me. hmm.. Dono.. Just wanna go back being normal, talk normal act normal.. then will be fine i guess..

Tomorrow presentation.. very kinteo..

Have u ever say YAY!! single is good and then some bloody guy come barging into your heart the next minute? If it's some random person it won't be a problem, cause you were never friends to begin with and u don't lose much if things go bad or if they don't like u back cz after he broke ur heart things go back to where they are when u don't know him (nt completely tho). But what if, the person is an important friend? What if he don't feel the same? What if things went bad between you? You'll lose not only the person u love, but also a very good friend. How can anyone bear with such lost. I thought for sometime before putting this in. I find myself getting really ridiculous. Once I say something, life just have to prove me wrong.

I've talked to wying wying about it earlier.. cz only her will find it not funny and understands.. she told me to wait n see.. let time prove it.. N that it needs the right person, right time, and right place to make it work.

I talked about it with Wei Yong too today.. and he told me his stuff.. it's been so long since we have so much to talk about.. I'm really glad.. I chose him because he's someone very important too and he doesn't know the person to judge.

I guess I've really fought the feeling long enuf, trying so hard to make it go away. I thought I've passed the test last semester and that the feeling was temporary.. But I was so wrong, so very wrong.. Now, this semester, the feelings came back, even stronger than ever. Stronger than what I've ever felt with other people I've liked in the past.

I guess it served me right. I've been a horrible person. Now it's my turn. I accept it. I have stopped fighting the feelings and accept the fact that i do like him.. He probably notice the changes. I hope no one else did.. Sure it will sound funny to them..

Now I dono what to do.. I assume he still likes her.. N I'm no match.. I'm lost.. Really.. Wish i could read his mind..

Feeling vulnerable sucks! This time is a lot more vulnerable than anything I've ever felt before.. Why? *takes a deep breathe* *sighhhhhhhhhhh*

If I were gone, will you miss me?

If I were Gone, will You miss Me?
This thought often occurs in my mind. I would sometimes wonder how much impact i have in people's life. I know I haven't done much yet to leave more impressions on people but I m curious and wonder if any of my tiny actions meant something to someone. Remember, it does feel good to be needed or appreciated.

So when the time comes, I'd ask certain people that question and if you are one of those whom i asked, please answer me sincerely. So if u feel it's a no. do say so.. and if it's a yes I'd be really thrilled.. =)

Ahhh... time to sleep.. Regretfully, not much progress was done.. I should speed up my pace..

Before, I used to think how nice it would b to have someone to love, to miss, to hug, to kiss, to hold hands with, to have a shoulder to lean on, to have someone to care for and I would do anything to have that.

Now, after my first relationship, my perspective changed. There is definitely nothing bad about being single at all. I guess I'm not really suitable to have a partner. I'm just born on the wrong cancer sign saying that I am. Haha. Well apart from really wanting someone to hug and have a shoulder to lean on at times, i guess most of the time it felt good being single. I feel like I could focus more on my own stuff, i needn't have to worry all the time if I dressed right, spoke right, did right because i'll have tons of other stuff to worry about (cz i worry about every single teeny tiny stuff all the time), n i needn't have to bear the knot in my chest when the other person isn't talking to me, i wouldn't abandon my friends (because when I m in love I only have one focus point), I won't yearn to just see the same face every single day n i needn't be so sensitive about every single comment the person said. I know, not everyone face the same problems as me. I guess i'd overcome those someday. Hopefully..

Hopefully, sometime in a distant future, when my thoughts are more mature, and when i'm confident, beautiful and ready, I'll open up again.. LOL.. if not, mom n dad would be upset by the time me n my bro being 30++ and still not having a partner. You say why include my bro? He'll be 19 in december and he has never mention to anyone commenting a girl looks pretty. He'll only say if someone's ugly or 'i dunno, din notice' when u ask if the girl is pretty.. LOL! Don't get surprised.. I guess in runs in our veins.. We have a lot of singles in the family.. Seriously!

bought this pair of heels for rm164, the black one.. first time eh.. oni my puma is around that price.. mom was so shocked when i told her the price that she gasped, n the saleperson laughed.. LOL!! bt she swiped her card in the end.. =X

gonna try my luck this year end in kl.. the heels i initially wanted



guess it'd cost as much.. size 7.. don go ah.. or 8..

Bing Bing seems very xin fu with his gal.. hehe! so happy~~ luckily din follow heart go kl study just because i wanna meet him n the rest of fruity gang.. XD missed the time i stayed up late in meetoto singing for fruity when bing bing asks and following bing bing, mostly i call mooney, around the place just to listen to his voice.. Don't get me wrong.. he don't really sing well, but i like it when he spoke.. N my fruity family are really a bunch of lovable n crazy bunch of fruits.. Really missed those times when i would sit n front of the pc and chuckled everytime they do o say sth funny.. he usually requested di yi ge qing cheng (lee hom) when i don't have anything to sing.. teehee!

Bing Bing was somewhat memorable in a sense that I've never had feelings for someone i know online even tho it's just a crush and he was a first, n so far is still the only one. Haha！It sounds stupid but really I miss those times.. I remember i'd sleep late because he's be around still according to UK time and would wake up real early to 'see' him to bed because it would be bed time around 7 in UK.. ahahha! I remembered sending msgs to UK just to chat, calling him twice, to wake him up so that he wont be late for his exam (he requested).. I don't mind tho, my credit always accumulate because i hardly spend them. N plus i get to hear his sexy sleepy voice.. LOL!

He's not engdao like all my other crushes, and i do mind at first, bt then did not anymore after that.. He's a sweet guy, to his friends and now his girl friend too.. Ok, so rich guy can do anything u say.. bt haha.. it's the thought that touched me.. I don't have the privilege of cz to deserve such treatment.. ahahha! I remember he sent bao bei (our fruity gang leader) a teddy all the way from UK to Selangor to comfort her because her daddy passed away and she was so very upset. oh, n i think he find a boutique near his gal's house to send her a bunch of roses on valentines day.. XD.. i dono what other stuff he did for her.. bt i guess they are all nice stuff.. I remember him being a protective guy too.. standing up for his friends n loved ones.. Got really pissed when someone crossed his friends..

well, that was all in form 6.. haha!! now i don't meetoto anymore.. and even if i go in, those fruities aren't around like they used to anymore.. beautiful moments don't last.. but only so would one appreciate it i guess..

I wrote this because I just visited his profile.. Remembered those good old times.. =)

CN.BLUE - Tearsdrop in the rain

Tearsdrop in The Rain
C.N.Blue
No one ever sees, no one feels the pain
Teadrops in the rain

I wish upon a star, I wonder where you are
I wish you're coming back to me again
And everything's the same like it used to be

I see the days go by and still I wonder why
I wonder why it has to be this way
Why can't I have you here just like it used to be

I don't know which way to choose
How can I find a way to go on ?
I don't know if I can go on without you oh

Even if my heart's still beating just for you
I really know you are not feeling like I do
And even if the sun is shining over me
How come I still freeze ?
No one ever sees, no one feels the pain
I shed teardrops in the rain

I wish that I could fly, I wonder what you say
I wish you're flying back to me again
Hope everything's the same like it used to be

I don't know which way to choose
How can I find a way to go on
I don't know if I can go on without you, without you

Even if my heart's still beating just for you
I really know you are not feeling like I do
And even if the sun is shining over me
How come I still freeze ?
No one ever sees, no one feels the pain
I shed teardrops in the rain

Oh... I shed teardrops in the rain
Oh... Hey... Teardrops in the rain

Even if my heart's still beating just for you
I really know you are not feeling like I do
And even if the sun is shining over me
How come I still freeze ?
No one ever sees (no one) no one feels the pain (no one)
I shed teardrops in the rain
Teardrops in the rain
Teardrops in the rain
Teardrops in the rain...

A song that i could nt get out of my head and a face that i could nt get out of my mind~ My craze for Jang Geun Seok is back!! Well I have to admit Jung Yong Hwa did take my breathe away and is definately good looking and has a favourable character (in the drama) but i realise i still somehow like Geun Seok more.. Jeremy is cute too, very~ bt somehow childish in a way.. Cold, on the outside, soft on the inside, i guess that is the reason I still love Geun Seok in everyway like how i loved him in Hwang jin-i, Hong Gil-Dong, Beethoven Virus (bt the drama was way too boring..).. really have to dig all his movies and dramas out.. How come all those guys have killer smiles? I'm sucker for those, so don't ever cincai smile at me if u have a beautiful smile bt u don't wan to have anything to do with me!!!





Without Words – Jang Geun Seok

Hajimal geol geuraesseo moreuncheok haebeorilgeol
Anboineun geotcheoreom bolsueopneun geotcheoreom
Neol aye bojimalgeol geuraetnabwa

Domangchil geol geuraesseo motdeuleuncheok geureolgeol
Deutjido motaneun cheok
Deuleul su eopneun geotcheoreom
Aye ne sarang deutji aneulgeol

Maldo eopsi sarangeul alge hago
Maldo eopsi sarangeul naege jugo
Sumgyeol hanajocha neol damge haenotgo
Ireoke domangganigga

Maldo eopsi sarangi nareul ddeona
Maldo eopsi sarangi nareul beoryeo
Museunmaleul halji damun ibi
Honjaseo nollangeot gata
Maldo eopsi waseo

Wae ireoke apeunji wae jagguman apeunji
Neol bolsu eopdaneungeon
Nega eopdaneungeo malgo
Modu yejeongwa ddokgateungeonde

Maldo eopsi sarangeul alge hago
Maldo eopsi sarangeul naege jugo
Sumgyeol hanajocha neol damge haenotgo
Ireoke domangganigga

Maldo eopsi sarangi nareul ddeona
Maldo eopsi sarangi nareul beoryeo
Museunmaleul halji damun ibi
Honjaseo nollangeot gata

Maldo eopsi nunmuli heulleonaeryeo
Maldo eopsi gaseumi muneojyeoga

Maldo eopneun sarangeul gidarigo
Maldo eopneun sarangeul apahago
Neoksi nagabeoryeo baboga doebeoryeo
Haneulman bogo unigga

Maldo eopsi ibyeoli nareulchaja
Maldo eopsi ibyeoli naegewaseo
Junbido motago neol bonaeyahaneun
Naemami nollangeot gata
Maldo eopsi waseo

Maldo eopsi watdaga
Maldo eopsi ddeonaneun
Jinagan yeolbyeongcheoreom jamsi apeumyeon doenabwa
Jageun hyungteoman namgedoenigga

=============================================================
I shouldn’t have done that,
I should have pretended not to know
like I didn’t see it, like I couldn’t see it

I shouldn’t have looked at you in the first place
I should have run away
I should have pretended I wasn’t listening
like I didn’t hear it, like I couldn’t hear it
I shouldn’t have heard your love in the first place

Without a word, you made me know what love is
Without a word, you gave me your love
Made me fill myself with your every breath
Then you ran away

Without a word, love leaves me
Without a word, love abandons me
Wondering what to say next
My lips were surprised
It came without a word

Why does it hurt so much?
Why does it hurt continuously?
Except for the fact that I can’t see you anymore, and that you’re not here anymore
otherwise, it’ll be just the same like before

Without a word, you made me know what love is
Without a word, you gave me your love
Made me fill myself with your every breath
Then you ran away

Without a word, love leaves me
Without a word, love abandons me
Wondering what to say next
My lips were surprised

Without a word, tears starts falling down
Without a word, my heart is broken
Without a word, I waited for love
Without a word, love hurts me

我想要的。。爱

我想要的，是每次见面不用说太多话。只要知道他在身边陪着，紧紧拥抱着我就好了。我喜欢静静的，不喜欢吵吵闹闹。虽然看见其他情侣每天吵吵闹闹的很可爱，也挺羡慕的。但是，那些事我永远都学不会。对我来说，安静才是一种享受。静静的，感受他的呼吸，他的心跳，他的味道，他在身边那温暖的感觉，会让我无比的快乐。

只可惜，大部分的人所要的不是这个。对他们来说，这样太过无聊，太过平淡。

我想要的，是他不在乎我在他面前傻乎乎的样子。并不是不自在而变得不是自己。现实中的我也本来就是笨笨的，粗心大意，走路没注意。只是，有他在时，不知觉的变得更加糊涂，因为大部分的注意力都放在他身上，满脑也只有他。也因为有人好依赖，所以才会这样。如果真的会开始变得不是自己的时候，那就代表我已经怀疑对方心意有些变化，对自己开始没信心，好像做什么都不对。

只可惜，有多少人肯让一个傻女孩依赖一辈子不埋怨呢？

我想要的，是不管我再怎么差，他都能接受，就像我再怎么不喜欢他的一些小习惯也都接受。谁叫我就是喜欢他。也许，他可以协助我渐渐改进，但我不希望他抱着太大的希望。这样我的压力才不会很大，把事情越弄越糟。

只可惜，很少人做得到。

我想要的，是能照顾我，信赖我，过了十年五十年一百年，到我死为止，都还能像热恋时那样爱我的人。

只可惜，是人的都不到，因为太困难了。

我想要的，看似简单。

只可惜，我想太美了。


*因为华语不太好，所以没能好好表达。上面所写的并没有针对任何人，只是看了欣颖写的‘我其实不喜欢吵吵闹闹，只想和你2个人一起看星星。’，想要写一些自己希望未来的另一半可以做到的事情。*

不懂为什么有时和某某说话舒服但多数上很不耐烦。难道我非常不喜欢没主见的人？还是不喜欢他想说实话却又怕我生气？还是我特别讨厌它充满了才华却一直对自己没信心，老是找别人做肯定的家伙？其实不瞒大家说，我也是这种让人厌烦的女生。可能因为看到自己在他人身上，所以觉得特不舒服的。有时真的很生气，也对他特别的抗拒，真的很莫名其妙。别误会，他不是个坏人。只是，我不明白为何会感到如此。。。

相反的，我非常喜欢像伟荣这样特别有自信，知道自己想要些什么的人。但是像他这样的人，我永远都不会是他想要的。有时候真的很想和他多聊一些。可是，他的答案永远都是那么短，只是回答我所问的。我并不是个特别多话的人，也不是个特别有智慧的女生，看的东西，懂的东西也不多，所以找话题也很辛苦，可是为什么他都不愿意帮帮忙？说真的，他不是傻瓜，难道他不懂我在想什么吗？我已经不想再说我对他的感觉了。过了那么久，那感觉也变得模糊了，虽然还会关心，还会在意，也会吃醋他身边的女生和朋友能为他做的一切，感到特别自卑，但已经不确定真正的感觉是如何。歌唱比赛，看到爱颖为他做的事情，让我感到很惭愧。就算她只是以一朋友的角度对待他，我身为一个说喜欢他关心他的人也彻底的输了吧？想填满那些你我之间的空白格好像真的很辛苦。当时真的心情奇怪。明明成绩揭晓的时候我心里还特别特别的开心，可是一看见爱颖和他的朋友们从上台去和他合照时，更让我深刻的体会我在他的世界里已不存在了。突然整个人感到超失落，连吃我最爱的sushi都好像没感觉。奇怪，这是什么烂感觉啊？不是说好要休息，要停止追求，只是坐在一旁开心的看他自由飞行，看他高兴看他成功的吗？为何还又有一丝的贪念？这烂感觉我没向人体过，因为不会有人懂吧！

很累了，想睡了，晚安。。

wishes daddy n bro wouldn't be so short tempered. why can't they ever get along. n why does bro have to answer back n say hurtful things to daddy? ==" why cant he just keep quiet. N why does mom have to blame me whenever daddy scolded bro, just because she thinks daddy is being unfair to bro n it is my bloody fault.. hate her when she does that.. it's not my fault daddy loves me more because bro doesn't know how to keep his cool and keep his bloody mouth shut when daddy is angry and i do. I am just smarter and I get scolded for knowing how to deal with daddy. Jesus christ! She just didn't want to admit she loves bro more.. Duh!! n she is also same species with bro, dono how to keep her mouth shut when daddy is angry.. ==" hello, u tell us daddy got high blood n wad are u doing when u are arguing with him n not wanting to give in. There is no win win situation in it at all so why not just let him win?! Like i said , there is no triumph in winning a fight if it means hurting someone you love. I rather lose the fight if it makes him better, n he wasn't completely wrong, tho not completely right.. i know it.. he wouldn't admit he is wrong in a fight, bt if he feels he is wrong once his anger subsides and senses coming back he'd do something to fix it.. NO, daddy will never say sorry.. bt he'd do it another way..

Sigh.. angry bro.. angry mom~

he asked me wad my feelings are for u.. I can't answer that, honestly.. Because i m not sure.. For so long, I've tried all my best to put u behind and moved ahead and i thought i did.. bt apparently it made me even confused.. Bt i told him, i dono what my feelings are for u anymore, because i did not think u n i are even possible any longer.. some regrets are probably meant to last a life time.. bt small things about u i find i still care a lot.. to a point, some of it still makes my tears fall.. ==" i m weird.. i cant understand myself..

hmmm~~ is there any special meaning to seeing certain numbers? cz i've been seeing a lot of numbers like

111
222
444
1111
1212
1515
2323

almost everytime i look at the digital clock on my lappy, my father's bedroom, the car, the dvd player, and so on... as long as there are digital numbers and i coincidently looked at them.

*just another curious thought.. ahahha!!

hmm.. time for another book.. =)

Had a photoshoot the day b4.. ahhaha.. the photographer was gd, and extremely patient, much to my liking.. ahhaha!! bt i wasn't satisfied with myself.. hahha.. nid to be better.. abo i wont have good pics.. bt then it was still thanks to mr fong, i did get some nice ones that i liked.. i'm still nt sexy enuf, bt i do like those close shots.. ahahha.. looks gd for someone who normally looks bad in photographs.. ahahha!! when with a right photographer and the right mood, miss unphotogenic can look gd as well.. ahhaha!!

Random though of the moment:

Who says cancers are friggin compatible with scorpios?! I'm gunna kill all the astrologers!! I friggin cannot communicate with scorpios. I can only get friggin attracted and not friggin communicate so how is that friggin fair?! I so friggin tried but i so friggin failed.. sob.. all of them are friggin the same.. friggin charmers yt friggin heartbreakers and i am friggin pathetic.. sob~~

Note** just thought of sth that made me wrote this..

Sigh, not that i'm actually attracted to any new scorpies. Just that i recalled conversations with JWY, my relationship with him, talks with Jehleng (this one is just attracted, just wanna be friends but oso cant communicate), only ah wei is slightly better (fortunately) because he does popped up at gd times.. =) bt then in actual life when we do meet up for gatherings, we dont speak too much either.. LOL!

I so friggin cannot talk to people i like, for what friggin reason i couldn't friggin fathom.. sobs..

Ah well, i guess i can't really blame all the scorpios.. i guess i meet dudes of other diff horoscopes that i like it'll still be the same..

Sucker for handsome dudes but when will u learn that u are nt capable of because u'll turn mute or extra stupid when u meet one.. ?!

Guess I'm from planet ZZZZZZ . ToT

currently listening to Vitas.. =) soothing.. ^o^

Forget wadever i wrote above since they are meant to be cut from my forever 'hu si luan xiang' head and be pasted here. now the space in my head is being replaced by my fave songs..

Vitas o vitas~~ XD
Ah shin o ah shin~ <3

累了吗？问问你~ 累了吗？问自己~（阿信- 累了）
yes, ah shin, i'm kinda tired XD i think i'm going to bed..

Sweet dreams world, Night!!

Mama said she wanted to bao angpao for me as sth for my bday but she forgot. So i said, the party is already a prezzie, so it's gd enuf, so don't bother. Haha! so she said ok lo. But then today she got me pride and prejudice, and p.s. I Love You. Haha! she knows i was looking for ps i love you so Thanks mom! Although she did not say it was for my birthday but i'd make it a birthday prezzie from her. Haha! It's always my fav books she got for my birthday, a few Harry potter books for the previous years and ps i love u for this year.. ahaha~ so nice. Thanks again mom! =)))))) Love you. Hugs~

素描 黄韵玲

一座一座 绵延的山
一朵一朵 漫步的云
一双一双 深邃眼睛
一分一秒 流逝的生命

一部一部 动人电影
一首一首 流行歌曲
一句一句 甜言蜜语
一段一段 刻骨铭心

都会过去
慢慢忘记

钢琴唱著 萧邦的别离
那个夜里 决定和你一起
电台播送 最爱的旋律
听见你说 永远不要放弃
过了很久 会不会想起
勇敢的你 陪我走过风雨

多年以后 一样的天空
再画不出 想念的彩虹

Happy birthday to me! Yes, indeed. I m now 21 years old. Ok, it's supposed to be on the 13th but i blogged about it on the 16th. So typical of me. ahahha!

It wasn't eventful but i was very grateful. Really. I nearly forgot about my own birthday until my dear cousin Jessica reminded me about it. ==" I never looked forward to birthdays but as usual when the day draws near i would still be hopeful it's will be a little different, but =/

This year is kinda upsetting with dad not around for my birthday. but i guess if he's not in thailand he'd probably be elsewhere with his friends. =/ Oh, did i mentioned i was still grateful? Yes, i was. Mom was being a darling. I was surprised. I know she disliked parties or any sort because it would be a lot of trouble preparing and she wasn't very confident with her cooking skills so i never thought about asking anyone around. If daddy is around i might ask him to bring us and a few friends like wying kimmy xy n sp to batu lintang for a dinner. I guess seeing it's my 21st, he wouldn't mind. But then daddy isnt around so, it's a bit off since mom doesn't have as much money. i was thinking mayb just the three of us heading to bl for dinner or mayb ask a friend or two if she doesn't mind the expenses but then maybe not. So mom, after considering says we could ask kim, wying, sp, xy and yheng over to eat. i was like whoa? i was actually very touched but of cz i remained expressionless outside. that's me. ==" i don't show. Normally when i was very young and thoughtless in the past, i would complain saying how come people get big parties and asking friend over but i don't and mom would say it would be a big mess and she don't wanna cook, later people complain her food being nt nice and stuff. Eventually i grew to understand it as well. I didn't like people coming to my house to anyway, probably because i dun have any entertainment to offer, a bloody bad host. Mom was an angel. She took the trouble eventho the normal her wouldn't like it to make sure i get at least a decent celebration of my 21st. She did not cook in the end except for one dish because she had to work and come back at around 6 so there wasn't much time to prepare. So she bought some food with bro running an errand for her.

Xy bought me my fav o jian while kimmy baked me a pie. I got an orange purse with a cat and two fishes from wying, kimmy and sp as well.. teehee! thanks guys. Sorry i was a bad host and there wasn't much to play at my house. N thanks for coming. Thanks mom for the trouble too. I don't know how to say thank you so i'm sorry.. ><"

For my other friends whom i didn't invite. I'm really really so so very very sorry. Because mom didn't want too much guest and ask me to invite the few she knows and i didn't want to make it difficult for her, I did not invite u guys.. Forgive me ya~ ><"

~~" sienz.. i dun mind sms.. i hate waiting for replies.. dang!! bt nvm.. i'll forgive them.. i'm just impatient... and i have also made ppl wait by lying my phone around all over the place that i dun even notice i dun have it with me and to find tons of msgs waiting for me.. well, that was long ago.. now my phone often stay motionless.. the result of me not finding anybody.. It's not my fault!! i don't know wad to say so i dun go prod ppl for chats and then say hi and then how are u this kind of stuff and then after a msg o two i get ignored, and well, I HATE WAITING FOR REPLIES!!! and sigh, i don't go much around kuching, i dunno where are the fun places, or how to go there.. thats why i wont send out msgs like, hey! wanna hang out? bcz people would ask.. sure! where to? and then i would say i dunno, wad do u think? i mean it's weird. u ask ppl out and u have no clue to where u wanna go. n worse still u have to ask ppl to fetch u when bcz u dono the bloody way and it's no gd.. so i rather forget about the wretched idea.. N there the result.. no friends.. sobs.. i can even imagine no one attending my funeral.. i know daddy fears the idea.. he said we should at least pay some respect and ask us to go to funerals of some distant friend and relatives that i have not meant.. well, i rejected of cz.. i hate being among people i don't know.. and he got angry and scold me useless and say that wad if one day he dies and no one comes?! sobs..

i dunno.. might donate my organs? so there wont b a body to see anyway.. mine i mean.. i wants ashes kept in a marble jar store in fu gui shan zhuang. The marble jar is so pretty.. ok.. so i like marble.. ><" just like i like diamonds.. and white gold. I'm materialistic.. yesh yesh i m. I am not rich and i hate the fact, but that does not make me wanting a rich hubby (yeah, i surprised myself too). i felt made to be princess. i hate doing dishes, house chores, the washing and i hate cooking (because i'm afraid of the fire and hot oil), and i can only wear pure gold silver and white gold.. mom says blame the nickel which is what my skin is alergic to.. same goes to detergens and other cleaning stuff for dishes especially strong ones, continuous usage caused iritations and skin peeling off.. ==" i didn't know until i work at some tokiwado stall and kept wondering why i kept getting thick rough skin forming on my hands and then kept peeling off until i got the hang of it.. and taekwondo, going bare footed on dirty grounds outside the house made skin peels as well.. nobody will ever want to marry me, says mom. i agree.. men, chinese, all still have that silly thinking that wives should do washing cleaning when now women works nearly as long hours as men nowadays. I dunno, i have to get prepared to remain unwanted tho. Honestly, I did love him and didn't want to lose him. but all those time i dreaded too. I am afraid of his mom, I didn't like his idea of a wife who would clean the house, cook and wash his clothes for him, but then if he really love me he wouldn't mind if i don't wanna do it, but after coming to my senses i know he doesn't love me.. Not enough.. I dun think his new girl does any of those too.. looked very rich and spoiled to me.. (i said look, i din say she is in case u see it and got sensitive ==") but i guess he doesn't mind her being that way.. he was back to those times, when with anne i guess.. wearing couple tee shirts and stuff.. I am not jealous, because it's not worth getting upset over anymore.. Just stating the difference when he was with me.. I felt like a bridge, to let him get over the past to a new future(her). I remember him claiming he was not very sweet with words or stuff when i asked him why he doesn't call me bb anymore. He said wanting a steady relationship, not wanting pressure and stuff, don't see much, each doing our own thing, not taking things to seriously and stuff, it was all lies i know. The reason why he couldn't is because i am not his bb anymore, no more in his heart. If his mouth wasn't covered with honey and cotton candies he wouldn't be so sweet in the first month, or now even sweeter with his J judging by some post with hun, sth sth. I've read his old blog long time ago, and was instantly jealous of A, because i still love him back then. A dozen names like baby, honey pot, pig all over his blog everything was about her. So sweet. Maybe with J all these came back. I couldn't blame him. How could a block of wood compare to a fun sexy hot J. I bet his friends would have though the same. And talking about the same issues as A, if it wasn't wrong, like A, J wasn't available when he fancied her. He loves challenges altho he might not know it himself. Most men does. It's in their hormones. Nobody would appreciate a trophy won in a competition when he knows he had won it without much effort made.

dear wying is always wiser than me. always the one to see through all the guys i gave my heart to, telling me they are no good for me but never once i listen. I always know she was right but i was persistent until i finally get real hurt and had to accept the fact. She told me to break up asap to minimize the hurt because we both know he had changed, but curse all those what ifs and maybes. What if he just need space? maybe he needs time. Maybe he still loves me. So i dragged on, he still does care i told myself, well, it's true he does, but it wasn't love, and it was also guilt. I stalled, until he broke it himself. I wasn't blind. I was just hopeful. I knew it was a mistake the instant the damage was done, i told him i felt guilty, it was only part of wad is true, part of me know he would leave me. Things changed after i came back from damai with my own gang from Arang and him going to work. I can sense. And I now know why I was all so reluctant to leave the last time we see each other before the trip. It wasn't the same after that. He never called me bb anymore after some time, never asked me over to his place anymore, only brief oks when i asked if i could go over. It was like given the space and time without me had dawned on him he felt better without my presence and i admit i probably pressured him with my dullness and lack of response to things and speech that he did not know what else to do with me. I got it. he never hug me nor kiss me anymore. And then he would be standing nowhere near me later on, sometimes acting like i wasn't around, invisible to be more precise, looking away abruptly when every he accidentally catch my eye. I kept quiet because I was never someone to cause a scene or start an argument after i left childhood. My friends all know without needing to ask me what's going on. Honestly when they ask I couldn't answer either, because he wasn't saying anything. I just said I dunno, he was acting weird. Natasha was so mad at me for being so calm and not being angry at him. I was mad at myself too. I just hated conflict. I was avoiding. I am not stupid. Just not brave enough to face it. I am forever hopelessly hoping that there is still hope lying around. And is still hopelessly hoping until the moment he said he was ending it when i started crying, that was the moment i know it was all over. Before that i was perfectly calm, not expecting a break up, thinking he just wanna talk, telling me why he was acting like a jerk but then i was wrong. He was so bad to pick ma zhong where i've only went once. If i were some looney who would cry everytime i revisit my breakup scene, it would be my last visit there. Fortunately i almost never feel like crying when there are friends around and i always have company wherever i go it didn't hurt to revisit that park anymore.

I rarely cry in front of people or rarely cry all together at all after i left primary school. It was always people i really loved like daddy, and stupid unworthy boys who made me cry. I find myself stupid, if it was for daddy i understand, but them?! they wouldn't even know i was sobbing hard in my pillow. I was labeled cry baby in primary sch because every time the teacher took her cane out to give me a whip for scoring badly for chinese dictation which i feel was unjust because i could never understand chinese or learn as fast as how i learn english. i could do english in minute whereas it takes days for chinese and i still never get a good score. I decided from then on that i hate chinese and swore not to take it after i go to secondary school. But then i was grateful that even though i hated it i still took the subject till form 5 and miraculously got a B3 for it. Honestly, i don't deserve it, seeing the numbers of chinese words i can read are equal to those of primary students, wad more to say write. I guess one reason why i like Mr. Tan was that he was different. Teachers don't take notice of me because i am either average or crap. crap in math rubbish in science that i doubt the teacher knew i exist, well except for mr yeo, which was a surprise at first because i don't feel i am pretty enough for him to notice and his other victims like kenderling, cecelia or yun may are far more prettier than i. I just think he probably like quiet students. For subjects like history and stuff i am just average so teacher doesn't really acknowledge my existence. It was only in english that teacher knew a bit of me (that was until, my english never improve any longer and people like sheng han,ray and alvin got all the attention) and arts. But lately the feeling was no more there. In a school of arts, I know i won't be the best any longer. Like my english, my artistic skill were stunted, no more improving, and at times at the verge of deteriorating it upsets me. If i'm not good in arts, i'll never be good in anything. it drives me mad sometimes, not at my friends who started to be better than me but at myself who couldn't go any further. I hate the feeling of worthlessness.. It's like standing there not knowing what to do during a bbq party when people are busy doing the bbq-ing, getting the fire ready while i stood there, thinking i wanna help but at the same time not wanting to because i do not want to get myself burned or make a mess instead of helping. Most of time i hate cooking or cleaning or stuff like these but at rare times like these i hate my princess self. That's why i opt for steamboat, because at least i could cut some veges and mushrooms.

I decided I need to be rich, at my own effort but my timid self and the fear of risk taking is getting in the the way so much i was most of the time so mad at myself i kicked myself real hard when opportunities just slip away like that. Marrying a rich man is something mr tan said i should do, but how reliable can a man be? Even the sloppiest man on earth wouldn't be able to stay faithful when given a chance for a woman more appealing than the one he already had. If a man is already flirting around before marriage, changing from Italian, to french, to Mexican, then to a sexy Latino, what much can a wedding ring do to keep him from looking for more exotic cuisines behind ur back? Rich men are like strong magnets, even if he intends on staying faithful, how much seduction from left, right, centre can he resist before giving in? I am not claiming all men to be unfaithful, for there are also women who are such. My point is, depend on a man too much to give you riches and security, and when he's gone, you are left with nothing. I know me, being overly dependent, i could collapse right there and right then once my main source of support is taken from me. No, I had to be rich, I had to be supporting myself, i had to afford servants to spare me all those cleaning an cooking (unless i feel like it), my expenses, and to fulfill all the things i want to own and to do on my own and not having it taken from me just because i wasn't wanted anymore. But it scares me, with my hard to change attitude, and living in a country and society where few people believe in achieving the impossibles. Migrating? It's been on my mind for like forever, but then if my attitude stays changing where i live wouldn't do much help at all.

I dream a lot since a child. I have always been dreaming about living in a peaceful country with trees, mountains and seas or lakes, ponds or any of that sort, fresh air, a simple but spacious house where i can have a dog or two, a stable where i can keep a horse or two and go horseback riding with friends (or hubby and children if i have any) along the path with trees on both sides leading along a huge lake with birds flying in the sky, ducks and swans frolicking in the water where i would stop and get down my horse, move to the edge of the pond and throw bread crumbs into the lake. Perhaps spreading a blanket and sit there enjoying the view and nature. And if there was someone out there lucky enough to be mine, he would be there siting next to me quietly taking in all the beautiful things around us. I like it best when both are quiet and still enjoying each others company. It was a beautiful picture and i dunno if such heaven exists. I like quiet moments with people i love, but usually people just couldn't stand the silence. I don't get it. You think more when you talk less. It's always too much talking that always made me say the wrong stuff or meaningless stuff,which i hate myself for. Silence gives one more space for thinking and analyzing and observation. If you have nothing good or productive to say, why not shut up and enjoy each others company, or listen and look at ur surroundings. It felt more meaningful rather than racking your brains for things to say and getting you mouth dry for too much talking. I hate the city, That is why i only wanted to study in UK but not live there. Unless i earn fast and enough to retire to the countryside where i heard from ms Goh (my favourite english tuition teacher in history) that it was all so splendid, with beautiful cottage houses with thatched roof and little gardens and low wooden gates that you could casually hop over.(ok, she only said beautiful thatched roof and i imagined the rest) I need a place with fresh air and healthy activities to live in because pollution always made me sick and moody.

One of the reason i like National service is because i was happier there. One of my happiest moment in life. In a place where air is fresh that i didn't feel my stomach ache for once for i am constantly having headache and stomachaches all the time.. Ok, it did happen once in camp because i didn't have time to poo that morning.. and I did not feel as hard to breathe as it was even though i was running too much.. Mind you, i hate running. It was like a little heaven away from reality except that i hate marching at 2pm under the sun. I love marching, really i do, but not the sun. I was so happy looking at a heavy downpour once that i got crazy and talked my friends into joining me for a walk in the heavy rain from the dewan jati perkasa to our dormitories and got reprimanded by our santa daddy looking komandan, not really scolding but he told us to hurry back to our dorms. He was driving down the road when he saw us. We nodded and i laugh, dancing my way back.. it was incredible. I enjoy the time where i would be siting on the first table because I'm an Alpha and looking at the end of the hall on the last table where a Delta dude named Valentino Bon Jovi Bong sat. I dunno what about him attracted me, but i guess a lot of girls in camp does look at him. I hate to feel like i am one of them.. I just like him being sporty and strong, tall, dark. It was total and merely admiration. Really, until I got kinda jealous when a friend of mine gets really close to him. Nevermind that, as always, everyone around me got to know him eventually except me because I was forever too shy. And i literary kicked myself real hard when he came over and played volleyball with us girls and he passed a ball to me twice and i blurted out a 'not again' on the second without meaning to and he never passed me a ball after that.. I really hate myself when i do and say all those stupid stuff out of nervousness.. i actually did collapse to the floor because i was shaking and my leg couldn't support me anymore. The good feeling turned sour in the end, because i feel somehow in the end he kinda disliked me, for what reason i dunno. I just felt so. There wasn't proof so mayb he doesn't and it was just my imagination. It felt awful but i was naturally saved and taken back to reality by none other than dear wei rong whom i met again at the cultural village when all camp members were to visit. It was coincidence he went there with mr tan and I was obviously thrilled and i actually shouted is name, waving so hard and ran over to him after not seeing him for such a long period of time. It was so so wonderful that all i though about after that was him and looked less at valentino. Of course, i was still relunctant as days pass by that i am gonna say goodbye to the crush in NS kem puncak permai,Tondong that i never talked to. In last minutes effort on the last day while waiting for our cars to arrive, i took a deep breathe and smsed him to take a last picture with me. Miraculously, he said yes and actually knew who the msg was from. Too bad my last effort was all crap shit cow dung because the picture was blurred and my eyes was closed, thanks to my friend. But it doesn't matter because i am going to see someone more important that night. Yesh! There was a zhu hun event that night and wei rong was performing, how could i miss. I was so damn happy to see him but then like always, we didn't get around to talk much. I now regret not having the guts to do what xy told me to do and i still think about it sometimes. If i were to tell wei rong how i felt before i went to camp, would things be different? I left arang, but we were still texting each other often even after that. If i were to tell him before i went to camp, and he accepted, he would have been mine and even if the relationship with him hadn't lasted forever i would still rather him being my first. And if my attempts were to fail,at least i knew i tried and would i still have a 3 months camp to get over the pain with but i didn't. I hated myself for it.. I hate me for not even trying and only got on to tell him near the end of that year and to find that he had move on and his feeling were no longer there. It was how he had felt for me before and i had to find out one year late that is killing me more than anything. I couldn't have kicked myself harder in my life and i never actually got over it. I told him i could wait. He said maybe he would accept one day if i would (wying called him a jerk for that) but it gave me hope.Eventually, he probably found it unfair or he was falling for another that he told me not to wait any longer. but I kept on chasing, wishing real hard he would look back but as years pass It finally dawned on me that it is near impossible for me to reach him anymore. Judging the circumstances, judging the fact that he and i had already start leading separate lives, and as time goes on the gap just grew wider. I could enter his life anymore, Our mutual friends grew less, mutual topics became rare until there was nothing left, awkwardness crept and stood in between us, as we no longer knew each other as much as we used to in the past. We couldn't get back to once upon a time. The time i missed greatly, especially the time when i had yet realised my feelings for him and was forever so fond of his humour and company. I adored him greatly (i tot as a friend)that i told yhan and called him 'my kai xin guo' (his gf that time) and no wonder she felt threatened, she probably knows i like him before i did myself. It was all too late. It just wasn't at the right time for all to happen and it was too bitter to watch them pass me by. He grew and flourished, more mature, lovable, confident, smarter as days passed, whereas I, I'm still the bitter old me, making mistakes wherever i go, not growing at all.. and probably withering along with time. He doesn't need me anymore, there just isn't space for me in his current life. I gave up, wishing him all the best. I moved on, fallen on the attempt because the relationship with Z didn't work out and crashed out more of my confidence and i had to start all over. But this time, I am not chasing after wei rong anymore. It hadn't worked in the past and it will never work now. Even my subconscious mind knew the fact, with all the dreams I've had about him which had me waking up feeling sad of in tears some time ago, about how he would just be in front of me look so gorgeous and glowing but yet so very out of reach, and only once was i able to grasp him only to let him slipped right out of my fingers again. I am choosing to stay behind and watch him fly, giving him support if i could give. Seeing him soaring higher and applauding in silence at his every success. It is always good to see him doing great at every encounter but was sad to be reminded that i wasn't, couldn't, and wouldn't be part of it. I wouldn't claim that i still love him because i don't know. But still I cared about him a lot, a tremendous lot. =')

It's probably my longest ever post. I know it may sound ridiculously like a novel and may have given up reading halfway but then it's all my feelings about my past my present about certain parts of my life.

Ahhh~~ managed to finish 2 books this holiday.. wasn't bad.. especially the book of tomorrow by cecelia adhern. Lotsa twists..

the second the love trainer by who i forgot wasn't as thrilling, mayb because i could already guess most of who would dump who and that katie would end up with the ben guy, not that the book was precise but still, u get the idea.. It's still nt bad. considering about how some girls in the novel are well pathetic like me.. Low self-esteem and stuff, going to all length to please men who doesn't love and appreciate them, not knowing that they could be better off and deserve far more. Katie, the main character of the book was in a total mess after paul and then being with crispin was safe and all because he love her very much, but unfortunately realised she doesnt love him at all but wasn't brave enuf to break up with him because he was perfect in every way, n most of all very good to her. For katie, who was so messed up after paul decides she doesn't believe in love anymore couldn't stand it when friends and close people around her are acting all silly over men who doesn't appreciate them and taking them for granted, cheating them behind their back, and so when she found that her boss's love life was in a total mess she had to step in and fixed things right for her. she taught her well, telling her that she deserve better, that even though near her forties she is still stunningly beautiful, and out for grabs, a successful rich career woman and needn't jump into the arm any useless asshole that pay her any attention and then go to all length to please them and trying not to be too 'high maintenance' until that jerk decided to dump her again. She eventually learned it all, got rid of Tim, who ignored her calls when she need him, get her all nervous and waiting for him to return calls, called her to say sorry and giving all crappy reasons and rubbish excuses and telling her he love her (puke puke) and agreed on a meet up which he never turns up and then some night, even having the face to appear on the door step f**king DRUNK and obviously needing a free place to stay for the night, free food and when he's needing free ***. And she is so weak and agreed to let that piece of filth in let him have whatever he wants and them have him gone MIA again and the bloody cycle went on. FOrtunately, with Katie's help, the nightmare was over and she obviously got happier, giving Katie a job as a love trainer which deal with relationship problems, on magazine columns tv shows, making her famous. Katie also sorted some of her boss, rebecca's, friends messed up love lives.. Eventually she realised all those things she had been advising people to do are things she was telling herself to do and that despite helping other people, he own love life is a total mess up. she set crispin free, telling him he deserve someone that really loves him. Ben, who was rebecca's partner, made her heart jolt, but she kept suppressing it, reminding herself of paul who broke her heart in the past and not to be so vulnerable and gullible to fall for the trap. eventually, ben and her got to express their feeling. The book did not say happily ever after tho, just leaving more space for us to imagine.. hahaa.. rebecca flourished and got with Ronan, Katie's all-too-good-that-girls-couldn't-stand-and-eventually-dump-him flatmate.

The books got tons of set backs though. For one thing. It's all about london. N i've always wanted to go england (to study, i wanted to live in NZ, somewhere more peaceful). And the life style of all the people in the story is horrible. clubs, drugs, drinking,***. Men flirting, saying that could give the world and load of crap shits only for one reason, to get ur knickers off and into bed. Damn! What kind of society is that?! But then i guess it's like that in the west. But it sure stained my idea of going there. Nevermind. i guess if u avoid clubs u avoid trash..i m no party animal and i hate blokes smelling of alcohol and cigarettes. Besides, I don't like the use of language in the book. n well, they are referring men to dogs that needs training, which i dun think so. Dogs are more adorable and loyal.. =)

I prefer cecelia's book of tomorrow better although love trainer did teach me not to be an idiot in the future. LOL!

Last book.. think I'll start reading mayb tonight.

Ken's birthday had passed for a week plus edi and still i think it was wonderful. Don't get me wrong.. hahaha.. I wasn't with her during her birthday. But it was sweet seeing that despite certain problems faced previously she took the initiative, fixed things up n not letting go just like that and it turned out even better, things got back on track n Heng just did the sweetest thing on earth. He baked her a birthday cake. On her 21st birthday. Ok, so it wasnt the prettiest cake i have ever seen but sweetest i suppose. Way to go both of u..the first relationship of urs did not work 8 years ago. I guess both of u were given 2nd chances, 3rd if considering the problems u guys faced n nearly ended all the 2nd chances given but both took steps and mend it up. Guess you are both meant for each other after all.. =)

Guess now kimmy is also in love. Good for her though her boy is a bit of a surprise for all of us. Turns out to be our long time no see primary sch classmate. Hahah! Good.. Go kimmy! Best wishes.

Lian and Siang's wow.. so long still so loving. Guess everyone will surely admire and envy them.. Hope you guys with make through every thick and thin and still come out of it together stronger than ever.. wo kan hao ni men! =)

As for dear ah pui, haha.. Knew it would be her.. cool!! pretty and handsome.. nice.. Ah pui is a really nice dude, surely this girl is a nice one too.. best of luck to both of u too..

XY is predicted to have one this end of the year. The suan ming ah pek told her during cny. Lets see who the guy is.. ekekeke!! hope she would start being serious this time.. ahahah!!

Wying wying, when will yours come, it's been very long since the first. Hope your prince arrive and never let you go. =)

Lyde is even cool!! getting married next year!! *squeal* 7 years, wow!! make it till 100 years will ya!!

Yhan and hers (i dunno who) go go!! Jangan out of sight out of mind. U guys will have to face it after training. stay real strong. Hugs~

Sylvia n eggtart too.. Hope eggtart gets more mature and protect our dear little sylvia.. =)

best wishes to nikolas and his girl too (also, i dono who) ahhaha!

Gao wu and his girl too!

wow~~ too many.. Did i miss anyone? All the best guys.. =)))))))))))

i feel ignored.. guess i did sth wrong..?

Lately listening to olivia ong's songs.. this is one of the songs that i like.. =)

Love Fools

Dear, I fear we're facing a problem
you love me no longer, I know
and maybe there is nothing
that i can do to make you do

Mama tells me I shouldn't bother
that I ought to stick to another man
a man that surely deserves me
but I think you do

So I cry, I pray and I beg

Love me, love me
say that you love me
fool me, fool me
go on and fool me
love me, love me
pretend that you love me
leave me, leave me
just say that you need me
Love me love me
say that you love me
leave me leave me
just say that you need me
I can't care 'bout anything but you......

Lately I have desperately pondered
spent my nights awake and I wonder
what I could have done in another way
to make you stay

Reason is not key to solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
as long as you don't go


So I cry, I pray and I beg

Love me, love me
say that you love me
fool me, fool me
go on and fool me
love me, love me
pretend that you love me
leave me, leave me
just say that you need me
Love me love me
say that you love me
leave me leave me
just say that you need me
I can't care 'bout anything but you..

Haih

Guess every time i see u i still feel both happy and sad at the same time.. JWY, when will that ever change.. i thought it would be different this time.. guess it's not.. neways.. congrats in getting to the finals.. hope i can make it to ur finals on the 8th of august..

Jyin 傅健颖 - 你知道我在等你MV (Official Version)

nice =)

Today i looked like a bbq pig.. hahah.. with wying and her two penang and melaka frens.. walking around waterfront area, visiting museums and fort margherita.. the 3 kitties statues, went to parkson awhile to fix one of the friend's glasses, to mcD for a drink and so on.. On high heels.. hmm.. ok.. i admit, my feet hurt.. but it's find and worth it to meet new friends and hang out with my best buddy..

Then at night.. bbq with at dear ah pui's house with dear lilian n mikhael, n sylvia b4 she got kidnapped by her bf.. pfff!!

Aiyerrr... sei yee heng.. made me so gan dong.. concerned bout me. I still tot wad is so urgent. Rupa-rupa is about him n his friend norman's sis.. and asked me n him no liao har.. say he tot he satu kaki dua kapal and if true dai ji dua diao.. If he did that, I wouldn't admit i dated him b4.. ignore his existence.. dowan oso ba~

wying wying.. u angry me ka? why neber find me one? like ct said.. u fan lian ah? ='(

haha~ they are doing great.. =) hope it lasts.
and as for me.. i'm suppressing all my feelings for anyone for now.. No point crossing any levels and risk losing everything.. I'm more comfortable with everything and everyone the way it is now..

But something makes me upset.. It's about them leaving for foundation. I m just having a feeling that they'll get it and i know they'll be happy.. but i'm just reluctant. i know how life goes.. once apart everything wouldnt be the same..

i feel really awful having to take other people's credit for myself.. The feeling i felt this morning definitely wasnt great.. it's like people are telling you your photos are great and then u just couldn't even smile and felt like crying.. ==" my pride all totally bruised, principle held all broken.. but still i have to thank xy for the pics. If not i would not even be presenting today. Not sure if the teacher knows. But logically speaking, Chap goh meh is before the start of this semester. How can a group of photos taken before i even know how to use a dslr be better than all those sucky ones taken after.. Jesus Christ.. I know he said he would pretend to not know if i didn't say but i just felt like blurting everything out on the spot when receiving the compliments i dont deserve.. Sucky feelings.. Really.. you have no idea~

OMG! i still blush when i see him? ><" just now wei rong come my house take sarawak energy's share's annual report ba.. ><" *shy*

i m not even allowed to read anymore..
nvm.. it doesn matter i guess.. i m pressing the delete button.. from my mind..

ah wei! thanks for telling me that and thanks for making me feel i did not lose too much.. =)

i just saw yesterday.. engdao spotted in bing! looks 90%, voice 95% sedap, tapi kinda cool, or mayb i beh gao sui, his spoken angmo seems like beh bai, tapi sayang sekali, he smokes.. nvm.. see see beh hai lang.. ahhaha! haih.. so long no bio zai.. but then.. everytime bio oni.. when baru berani kao~ jkjk.. like i dare.. see oso don dare la.. haih...

oo!! lately stay back till late do work.. =) good good.. dowan to stay at home so often.. but then my own assignment not yt touch teok.. gg.com.. i dono how now.. mayb i just fail it? =) working with desmond, lian n sylvia.. nice.. plus derrick pui, suzzanne, kee yuan, chiew seng them.. both groups together.. nice~ fun when there is family around, mei mei de lilian, shuai shuai de derrick shao ye, bian tai de desmond lao ban (he will kill me ><")..

!naus el is oad ouz iem .ieb naw iy oah at ib iuh ow ihs af ow !ow iq gnaf uij oaz gnix gniq in gnar iuh gnid iy .oaz naut iy ihs iah ow .gnix ub iah iaz naix ?ow iq gnaf uhc gnad is oay oad iuh uoh in gnar gnen iac gnay om nehz

.evol eyb ,uoy eyb .taht tuohtiw ydaerla fune citehtap leef i .ees ro raeh ot tnaw i tahw tnsi taht zc yrros ro ytip lla leef tndeen uoy os raelc yats ot yrt lliw i .erac ekat .tnaw uoy tahw teg syawla u zc .reh teg ll'uoy .kcul doog !did i fi wonk tndluow uoy !yd hcum os erac annawod ..oail ko yppah ul !ib ib mais !uoy tub enoyna no gnisucof

xiao zhu.. piggy piggy!



shuai ge bao biao.. fren say he is ex burne burne guy.. which is unavailable.. hahaha! nvm.. see nia ma..


sigh.. i dowan sorry, i just want u back. but then it probably wouldnt work out.. ur feelings just isnt the same.. n i have to admit we have too few in common, needless to say common topics.. i dono ur life, i dono ur frens, i have not seen as much as u did.. i always thought that could be overcome as long at our feelings are mutual bt then i know better now not to count on that.. i realise i am not good enuf for u.. just not wad u need.. it's not completely ur fault.. it's just how life works.. not the way we all want..

yesterday didn't have a chance with my computer so i place updates of last night n today here..

went out to ci yun with xy in the morning to photoshoot vesak day's event for my assignment.. not really good the results but better than nothing. meet my ns fo xue teacher and my ns frens.. ah mok who has nvr talked to me b4 in camp but has been talking to me the most the whole morning, and jeffery, but we din talk much this time, and the handsome ah bong!! bong chun lin.. omg.. getting slimmer and even more good looking.. those beautiful eyes.. i wants them.. zzz.. not fair.. all guys have beautiful eyes.. why me girl dun have? but of cz more handsome ma more no talk.. hahah... cz i paisei then siam far far.. ci yun still feels more at home than san sheng.. mayb cz i used to be there all the time in the past n then i have frens there who will actually say hi when they see me.. =)

went out with sha last night at 8 sth to the airport to check when xiao zhu is arriving, turns out his arrival is at 11 pm so we left and went to have a drink before going back to the airport again.. by the time we went back, that is around 10.30 or sth, tons of fans have already filled in n bro told me rachel dragged him there.LOL omg.. waited till our necks stiffen and legs aching because he didnt come out in time because he had to let all other passengers out first before he make his appearance.. a woman from china asked me what all the fuss was about and another non chinese asked april the same questions.. Finally my dear xiao zhu made his appearance at around 11.45 (not too sure)and i shouted my head off altho i oni manage to see his little head.. ==" because i was getting bored with waiting i tot i wouldnt be that high anymore.. i was skipping around an hour ago while waiting ba and then getting all bored with gastric torturing me somemore and looked =.= 5 minutes b4 he appeared. then we raced back to our car the moment he got into his and the stalking begins.. too bad he stayed at four point. the trip was too short.. =( stayed below the hotel in our car for quite sometime and saw him look out of his window.. then satisfied we went home and get enuf rest for the next day..

Sha and her sisters came and fetch me at almost 7 this morning.. @@" then we waited at spring until 945 am then everyone dashes into the mall.. i just quicken my pace, not running because i dowanna fall again.. and this time get trampled by fanatic fans.. LOL! we reached the top.. secured ourselves a good spot.. the crowd getting bigger and ppl are pushing from behind making me nearly going crazy.. because i HATE crowds and i HATE the heat from people and i HATE other people's sweaty arms against my skin.. ==" well, to be honest.. today's event was less exciting than yesterday's altho yesterday's was so very too short, because first the music went wrong (stupid spring's lousy sound system, because the music stops halfway just as xiao zhu was walking out.. ==" sia soi si man~ i mean spring, not xiao zhu~) then then the emcee was pure lame.. ==" made poor xiao zhu so gang ga.. haih.. nooooooooo.. he wont wanna come kuching le la.. sobs T^T

he is so damn cute..

reason why i love xiao zhu so much is not because he sings well, but because there is something about him.. he is great dancer, got a smile that kills, but i really really love him because of his pure confidence, great sense of humour and he really shines on stage.. something i see in wei rong as well.. =)

another good part of this is i get to see a hot bodyguard, mayb not a real bodyguard but then he is in charge of keeping fans at a save distance.. so i call him that.. tall, really really tall, great body, killer smile, friendly.. omg.. sha said he smiled to her.. if he smile to me.. i'd faint! jk.. XD cute wei~~ i dono such piece of great art still exists nowadays in kuching.. but mayb he isnt from kuching.. =( nvm.. getting to see two cute guys in two days is kinda worth it.. sigh, can i has xiao zhu? cant i eats him? can i wants the bodyguard? can i bites him? X3 sot liao! hahahha..

i m not a crazy fan girl type.. i do like certain artist.. xiao zhu one of them.. but then i dont do stalking nor camping outside the mall few hours b4 the event thingy but then with natasha n her funny two elder sisters.. it's some new experience.. mayb next time.. xiao jing teng? ah shin? li sheng jie? wooo!!! ><" hahha! dont really like the waiting part tho.. it gives me gastrics.. ><" got sisters oso quite nice.. can do all those silly girl stuffs boys wouldnt bother to do with u.. sigh.. xian mu liao.. for the first time in life.. I want sisters!! XD

excitement over liao.. nid to get back to reality again.. =(

went out with xy to popular to buy paintbrushes and then go mum mum at jln song.. talked till pass midnight n bro called to bomb me then i realised it's already so late.. hmm.. dont remember ever talking so much.. ><" Got one bumiputra guy, eyes so beautiful, like girls.. if only i have those.. wow! he must have thought i m crazy.. cant help looking at them but then i m just admiring the eyes.. ahahaha!! cz i want them..

tomolo nid to wake up early to take photographs.. for assignment..

i wanna quit fb and get a life instead of just having virtual pets, socialising through the internet, read what everyone is saying, kepo n post of up shits.. what kind of life is this? should be spending time on how get my ass to UK n back with tons of experiences and be independant, to b successful, earn big money, afford a nice comfy house and nice car, able to feed myself n mom n dad, a chow chow and a husky comfortably without needing to make ends meet, in other words, earn more than enuf.. how old are u already? people own a car at the age of 21, but u? almost 21 and u dont even have a bloody diploma.. going all emo nearly every single day over every single little thing that every single person on earth has to go through, taking twice as badly.. humph! think u r hanging around with the 1991s and u'll b as young as them? wake up! u r getting old, n time doesnt wait! but then FB's the only means of contact with frens.. hmmm.. am in a dilemma.. haha! booliaos~~ talking bout craps, i do have tons of shits in my head... how to clear them? i wonder..

hmm.. saw sth and regretted visiting.. but neways it's expected..

take a deep breath, smile and get to sleep. tomolo might not be able to rest. so go sleep.. nights world..

Craps! I really really really hate it!! Hate it when u do that!! actually hmmm nvm.. errmm well nvm... nth.. Hate! Every time i get this from u when what i want is a clear answer. Dont assume i know everything.. because i m not u.. u are certain u know what people thinks but i am not! i might know, what i thought might be true but i want it clear. I hate guessing games.. Bah!

Grrrr... Geram.. Sleep!! dowan do anything liao..!

good luck in ur test then.. =="

OMG!! I've heard of it but have never really seen them! My cousin is so damn cool.. his tattoos are superb.. nope.. i wouldn't wanna bear the pain altho heart did itch to get one.. nono.. I dont mean the tattoos he got.. i mean the tattoos he creates! WOW! pro artist.. I guess u tell him what design u want he can conjure up just anything.. if only i have half his talent, I'll really be so thankful! Pro pro.. his tattoos are so alive.. salutes.. Magic Hand Tattoo Studio.. Name well given for those magic hands.. =) keep up the good work! who says if u dont excel academically u wont earn a living?! i cant get a tattoo.. sobs.. dad will kill me.. n well, with so many nice designs, i wont know which to choose from and u cant change permanent tattoos~~ He's agreed to lemmi photograph the process of his tattoo making.. *nervous*
if only i m not such a noob photography i would have done his work justice by taking great pics.. i'll try my best.. eeks.. i nid to play with my camera again now.. i think i've forgotten everything..

some things need not be rushed said wying. Agree, try force it out and it will stay there not willing to go. some have to be placed far behind at the back of ur head until u have forgotten all about it but only ur subconscious mind know it's there.. everything needs time, i do.. lots.. to get back on my feet, to wipe away the tears, to let the pain fade, to learn to love myself more and to care others who really does care for me.. some things that cannot be erased is to be kept and seen as a lesson learn..

never let the heart rule unless u are damn certain the pain is worth it.. the heart is like Satan while the head is God. Follow ur heart's desires u'll feel that life is more heavenly than heaven, but soon after that you'll be dragged down deep into hell and left to wallow in deep regrets, remorse and pain. Until u stretch out to God for help and learn to stand up, that is when the head helps u to think clear, of wad is right and should be done, which actions are wiser and what crap is to be avoided. Follow ur head is more difficult that following ur heart. Satan's words are more alluring that God's. Your head tells u it's all wrong but your heart will always tell u to give it a shot. Life is more fun and dangerous and challenging like Satan when you follow your heart, but with a high price to pay. Follow ur head, the words of God, life is dull, because it will always be safe and simple, but in the end of the day you wont end up in a pile of messed up shits..

To follow ur head? or ur heart? if u are able to bear the consequences, enjoy what ur heart tells u to do then. But for people like me who have difficulties standing up after a fall, think twice!

ok.. enough of self-invented philosophy.. ><" and get ur ass back to work!

really trying not to care.. but still.. it stings.. ouch! ='(

wound on my knee is so itchy. sign of it going to heal i hope. but then i feel like scratching it!! it's driving me nuts.. Everything is driving me nuts..

Sleep liao.. knt post anything on fb.. later teok killed... ><"

Halo lyrics

Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light

I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again

Feels like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
The risk that I'm takin'
I'm never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Halo, halo

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

This song kept playing in my head today.. I did not hear it from anywhere today.. but it just started.. this song.. is kinda like when i just met him, when we are first together.. i did not tell him that tho.. cz it sounds silly.. But it faded away..

She's far better I should say, if my guess isn't wrong. Fun, cute, confident and is forever near him, probably have more in common as well. I, on the other hand, lack all that.. I admit defeat.. As long as he is happy, wish him well.. And for his studies as well..

Would have advised her not to.. but since the info did not come from her but from the guy.. hope she comes to her senses at the right moment. jesus! I'm owes placed into such awkward situations where i have to be careful not to say the wrong things when both sides come n talk to me.. But it's not my business.. just that we are all friends.. n it's sth that could be regretted if it does not work out in the end.. sigh..

Nicky pls! u picked the wrong girl.. steer clear before u get hurt.. i wont have mercy on u.. i'll only know how to bully u.. shoot u.. be frens is fine.. nth more.. so u better not say anything n i'll pretend i dono anything about it..

can it all wait.. will there be time.. I'm deteriorating.. Is there time to get back on my feet and continue to go after what i want most right now? Not giving up nor begging because I've not improved and is getting worse.

Every single obstacles in life can get me so down i don understand why. Everyone would have to face sth of this sort in life but why am i the only taking it so badly.. why other people can be so xiao sha..

I dont understand that.. this isnt my case.. just stating something i just found out.. I've always thought a fren of mine was deeply in love with another fren of mine.. now i found out that he was the one who went after her many years ago n then tell her he don hav feelings anymore and wanted to break. N now, sth i don get is why did he asked her back and then put her in the same position again? ok, ask her back isnt a problem.. what i m annoyed is snatched her from someone else.. which is also a fren and then not cherish her.. grrr.. them ppl from blue class ( lan ban in primary sch) are complicated beings..

we cancer ppl are extra sensitive ppl.. why cant anyone understand.. some showed by getting annoyed and started tantrums, some sulked in a corner quietly, but it's all because we cared too much. caring too much becomes a burden to guys? hope my fren doesnt have to go through wad i have. She told him to stay with her until she could stand on her own n is trying to fix things.. but me.. what did i do? crying and unable to speak all the while when i could at least make an effort to make him stay? ok STOP!

surprised she find me to talk.. poor girl couldnt sleep.. n she doesnt even know about him n me.. i tot the bf have told her.. hmm.. sigh.. but this time i cant help anything except hear. cz i'm not any better in dealing with stuffs. We both work hard together yea..! Am working hard to think that all craps happened so that next moment would look better..

grrr.. really hate it when he does that all the time.. ='(
Angry you! Hng!

F my life, F my luck, F year 2010!!! F everything.. Rotten Rotten ugly year to begin with. First relationship not working like i wanted, then ended, then got busy with semester 2 without an aim or a positive mind, marks rotten,too not up to my expectations, Not doing well with my sch work, no ideas, he is liking some other, i shrewed my right eye, schrewed my right leg again yesterday, my sketches got rejected (but i already expect since i myself dont like it), bandage or sth wad u call that? sha bu.. got stuck on my wound because the blood clot and i have to peel them off together with my remaining skin and some flesh. Went to the doctor's. Another torture session because the last piece of the bandage wouldn't come off n the doctor is 100% rougher than me. Rubbing another wet piece on the dried one and dragging it left right until it came off and then Sprayed my wound which nearly took my life with the pain but all i can do is bite my lips and make a silent squeal. The nurse looks pissed off dono at me or because she's already pissed off.. which did not make my mood any better.. wanted to do my work but too painful and tired so i went to sleep.. mom oni woke me up at 12, for wad reason i dono because i had trouble going back to sleep. so i took some pain killers which did not take effect as fast as i would have liked. smsed desmond tell him that i may not be going to sch. did not reply me. is he annoyed at me? Bah!! I'm really really sorry guys.. I'm not a responsible team mate like i used to be, i'm sorry.

It's not even half a year gone.. what other misfortunes are there in store for me again? Sobs..

Fortunately there are still some good stuff going on, like he still finds me sometimes. If not I would have been doing worse. Dancing. I hope i'll get well and is able to join the flash mob dance. Really! Sobs, don't take the only fun away~

I go poo. Hope will feel better.. ='(

Joycelyn chong?

*smack PS's head real hard* Wake up!! grrr~~~ Assignments and no other stuff pls~~

Am I a weirdo? I always admire or envy people or friends who are naturally owes noticed or in the limelight, getting attention wherever they go, making and hanging around with others easy and leaves impressions on others easily. Yes, it's because well, I am kind of the opposite of that, nearly owes blended so well with the background that people just don't remember ever seeing you around.

No, that's not the weird part yet. Deep inside I really wanted people to notice. No, no, I'm not an attention seeker, at least I think I am not. However, I just wished people would at least noticed and remember for something I've done and is good at. For example take a glimpse at my stuff and remember, 'oo that's the girl who likes to draw cute stuff and is kinda good at it'. But sadly people just don't. I don't leave impression with teachers what more to say people who only met me once. But the sad part is, when there's actually a chance for people to notice me, or when someone called my name and asked me to show my stuff to the rest of the world,instead of jumping up enthusiastically and say,'Yeah, cool!', I get tense and recoiled, wishing hard that people will just look away and that I could just shrink and vanish, keep on shaking my head refusing to go up until all those people who initially look at me with full anticipation looked disappointed and divert their attention on others then I kinda get all upset and disappointed and annoyed at the other part of me who felt relieved.

Why do I get so uneasy with that I wonder. It's really a dilemma when a part of you wants to show people out there, ' This is what I've got. This is what I've done and had spend every effort I have doing it and is now here to impress you guys.' while the other part says, 'No, no, leave me alone, go away, I'm scared. You are making me uneasy. I wish I could just die or evaporate on the spot.' This is sucky! If only I am half as easy going as natasha, mikhael, derrick and lilian, half as confident as desmond, half as disciplined and calm as gaowu, I would have been someone better.

I am also in a dilemma when picking this subject. Why? Well, all I've every like and will put effort into doing is arts. But the design field requires you to be able to talk, promote and sell what you have produced. Now, that's the part I hate. I hate persuading people to like my stuff because to me, if you like buy la, if you don't don't lo. Ok, I get depressed when people don't like what I designed, but all the same, I won't tell them to like it. I am not a people's people as well. I clicked well only with very minimum groups of people that I am very comfortable with. I don't like going to parties or places where lots of people hang around and you just don't really know them at all. I don't take initiatives either. Most of the time, I would like to be just like lilian, seeing someone's mom and just call, " Aunty!" see someone you know and just say, "Hi!" without caring if the mom hears you or not, if she sees you, if she still remembers you, will you sound too rude if you are too loud and so on, or if your friend sees you or still remember you and stuff. It's annoying. I get so tense when I'm at people's house because of that, and his house last time. I saw his mom, I always hesitate because I often like eye contacts before saying something or calling out, but then other people will start calling first and then u ended up being the last one or sounding too soft I doubt she ever hears me. Don't know if she thinks I'm rude. Sigh. Sometimes mouth sweet sweet is essential but I just cant bring myself to do it. And sometimes I wanna care, like when I see people drop something, see a blind walking, yes, I want to go over and help but somehow something is pulling me back and i just stood there stuck, half reaching out half not. I'm always placed in such situations. I see mom or dad on their birthday, or mother's day, father's day but I just cant bring myself to say, Happy birthday, Happy mother's day, or Happy fathers day, I love you. Or say bye dad, when he drop me off, or bie, hugs, love you last time when I was with him when all those I really wanna tell them. I have to actually go home, or hide in the room or when they are out of sight then I would sms them and say,"happy birthday dad, love you!" It's like my jekyll and hyde is equally strong or probably hyde slightly stronger I ended up not doing what I initially wanted to. At the end of the day, I would just hide inside my room and beat myself up real hard for everything. zzzz.. Complicated that I don't know what to do with myself..

Not doing much at all.. Should have been to swinburne and watch the game and all the excitement, at least to get distracted from stupid stupid thoughts that are harmful to me and stunting my ideas. But then no transport. Dowanna mafan mikhael too.. Bah hambug. Life is a load of shits~ Shits! Assignments assignments assignments!! I have no confidence in accomplishing u anymore. Don't come and pile up cz it's killing me. Desmond and the group, I'll be a total disappointment this time. It's all up to you. I'll be a parasite this time.

*If I could just dig my heart out and leave it there to harden before putting it back* That will be nice. I can say and do all I want, not caring how other people feel, nor holding back what is actually felt and express whatever I like without caring what effects it has on other. Do all that my heart desires. Aim for all the impossibles. Eliminate things that got in the way. Not afraid to confront. Say like when i like and say dont when i don't, say ok when i am and not ok when i am NOT! Not getting nervous and or fidgety or panicky and looking like a total idiot in public. NOt letting myself get in the way towards success. Not afraid of challenges, not afraid to get hurt.because I wont be able to feel much any longer. At least, harden it means toughen it up.

Rawr! All the crappy thoughts again. Man!

haih~ syn said hello at fb as usual asking what i am doing. Replied the usual as well because that's what I always do when she asks. Fb and homework. Hmm but this time i asked something extra. Which i find difficult to answer her reply. I said, "How are you? So long didn't see you already. (bad example cz it's kinda broken, shit!)" and she said go my home la. I got stuck there, then replied a 'haha' hoping she wouldn't ask further.. and she said go~ Doesn't feel right anymore, going to his house, unless it's for assignments or under invitation from mikhael which is also weird. But then I just said, "maybe next time. When I am not so busy" Kinda keh kiang a bit in asking too much. T^T"

Disclaimer: Not written to make anyone feel bad. Just a reminder for myself and for those who agreed on what I just said. And just posting my thoughts, and what I've realised or think i do, because some are things I did not know or understand before but probably understand a bit now.

Certain things I did not understand in the past but understand a bit now.

Now I understand why sometimes people just remove the other person from their contact lists, msn and fb once a relationship end or once he found someone new. If left there, u would always go and check out how the person is doing, his current updates, to find that the person is meeting a new one, falling in love all over again, and all his happiness comes from another person, what he talks about what he feels has nothing to do with u anymore. It hurts, unbearable, and sometimes to think that you wouldn’t mind or care and should feel happy for him, a status pops up and u couldn’t help feeling all upset, selfish, jealous and disappointed to find that it was all about another person. It sucks! But still.. I wont do it.. Just saying I realised why some people did that.

Lesson learnt and to do in the future regarding a relationship. 1st, don’t let any dude walk into your heart just like that. If he does, don’t let everything move so quickly. 2nd, start from being friends, get use to having him around and know him more. 3rd, make sure he can really accept everything about you, good or bad, before jumping into a relationship. 4th, if you do really like him, no matter what, before a relationship just put in a 20%. 5th, if in a relationship, don’t put in a 100%. He could love you this minute but not the next. It’s not his fault, nor yours. It’s just that you don’t know his feelings could change and he doesn’t know his could change too. So don’t ever forget that time and situations could change a person’s feelings and be stupid enough to go blind and give him everything only to regret certain things when the dream is over. Some things cannot be taken back or erased. 6th, don’t make it too easy for him. Some guys just like challenges. You do everything he says, pay 100% attention to him, try so hard to please him, his flames will fade in a sec. Trust me. Because everything got Easy people tend to get Uneasy. He needn’t have to please you because you don’t get mad at him. He needn’t have to try to apologize or fix things because you don’t start an argument. He needn’t have to persuade you to go and see him because he knows you would appear at his doorstep whether he feels like seeing you or not. He needn’t have to try and fulfill your wishes because you don’t ask. He needn’t have to try and change because you are OK with whatever he is. Yes, anyone would get bored with u in no time. Human just like challenges to grow and learn. You are not helping with that. Ok.. maybe not all are true.. but =/ i dono..

This is crazy, not feeling all too good again.. *breathe deeply* hope this post doesn't actually cause anything.. Just needed somewhere to get all these crap out of my head..