Went to Isabella again yesterday at 9 something. Was chatting until I started not paying attention about what they say and the mind started to wander longingly to Bie~ XY was busy talking about Mr. M, about whether to accept him or not since she says she's bored and wanted someone to play with. =.= Something I'm utterly uninterested because I do not approve of that. Besides, I don't even know M. Heard about him a couple of times because XY will mention about him hinting her everytime she got back for the holidays from KL. Hmm.. A guy with a GF, keep going after another girl. If accept liao ma became 'the hu li jing who snatch people's BF' but then she just wants to play so she probably doesnt mind.

Miss hugging Bie so much. So safe, so warm, so comfortable, a perfect heaven. Sigh ~~
Sha Sha say normally relationship begins when everything is very sweet for a month or two and then will go to normal, probably will be back to having sweet moments in the middle, then normal again.. hehe.. mayb lo.. first experience so not so sure. But definately miss those warm huggies.. hehe..

Bie Bie working, must be tiring.. Gambateh!!
I should learn to toughen up myself too.. Teehee.. so that I will be able to participate in what Bie Bie likes.. something I'd like to try too.. Something like hiking or rock climbing? Rock climbing has been on my mind for quite some time, but what I had in mind is those artificial walls.. Haha.. not real mountains.. XD big problem though, with extremely weak arms and low stamina.. but that can be fixed.. PS!! Bring up ur determination that rarely come by but still exists.. X3

Wanted to learn dancing for a long time.. every since I dont know when, but I'm so stiff. Wouldn't hurt to try maybe.. hehe.. Hopefully Kim is serious about it. Don't have to be too good, I just need some activities and I want company. I find it very tormenting to do stuff alone regardless how much I like the activity. The inferior feeling and helplessness whenever I need help and couldn't find a familiar face always scares me tremendously. Something I've always failed to overcome. Another something I've always wanted to try, Drum~ hehe.. but that is a bit far fetched for now. My parents find that extremely ridiculous. Mayb after I am capable of making my own decisions and actually able to practise it, then I'll think about it.

Always eat lately, must slim down lo.. and sleeping does not help. BaBie not around doesnt mean that you should let all motivation and strength leave you too.. should gather more ma!! Then wont make BaBie worry o disappointed. Right?! HOHO!

Hong Hong (Yhan), CM, Xying going back to the Peninsular next month, Kim start work too next month. I should be doing something too. Hmm.. Bro's summer sem ends next month too.. Mayb do something together? A very weird thing to do because I don't know, WEirD~ ? Haha!! We are close, but then if you ask him to go play badminton or jogging with me - weird. If he's willing I'm very happy. Hopefully he's willing to leave his computer. mayb we could go out have SunnyHill icecream. =)
Daddy is right, I only have one brother, and as much as hate to admit, daddy is right too about him and mommy not being able to live forever and be there for me all the time, and when there's no one else in the world to turn to, there is still my BaBoon Bro there for me. I know he will, when I really need him. =)

I'm always known for Blur Queen, Ice Queen, Cold Blooded, Tortoise, Childish, Useless, Cute ( extremely rare that I can name who they are, hopefully you really mean o meant it ) but something I've found out about myself I've not known, something good - Nice and Kind. No, that's definately not something I'd call myself. But dear Sha Sha keep reminding me that I am. Am I really? Maybe. Deep inside probably. Just hard to express. I want to be. Nice and Kind should be something I'd describe Sha rather than myself but I'd like to be refer as such sometimes. Oh, and another one - Pro, something from Mikhael, hahahaha.. an overstatement.. so untrue yet sounds good and motivating when you are starting to lose confidence. From Sha, Lilian too XD and occasionally Gao Wu and haha, Desmond, someone who I think sometimes hates to admit that someone is better than him. But I still think he's much better than me in most part, same goes for the rest. All have pro-er something that is pro-er than me and it's so nice that they acknowledges what i can do too. ^^ However, nothing beats a compliment from Bie, someone who to me is the almost flawless of people I know . Maybe I might complain sometimes about this that about him, but then deep inside I dont really mean all that la. Haha.. He's still the best. ^^

Hmm.. Today's post is so lalazhazha. But no matter, I write about anything that comes across my mind.

Raining outside, just realised I forgot to lock the gate and ran outside into the rain. I love the rain ( when I'm not wearing specs or driving ). The heavier the better, if there's no lightning I'd like to stand under it.. enjoying the wetness, the coldness, the numbness, the shivering, the excitement, letting all the worries, stress and sadness being washed away. Mad? Haha.. But the rain outside now isn't that heavy and I dont want to get myself wet before bed. Hopefully a cooler weather helps me sleep better tonight. I've been tossing and turning the past few days, unable to get a good night's sleep, nearly driven mad by it. I cant stand not being able to sleep when I actually very tired.

What has tomorrow got to offer? Really hope if Kim them wants to go out they pick morning or afternoon. I want to reserve night time for Bie on MSN..

2 more days to a new year. Not anticipating. LOL. New year New worries la~ New semester, New challenges, New subjects, New Lecturers.. How to go through? First semester did not help boost my confidence especially for presentation. I still fail to overcome my stage fright.

As much as I wanted to leave Kuching, step into a new environment, away from my protective family, learn to be independant, enjoy some freedom, I'm actually glad and grateful that I had made the decision to give up my full scholarship for a degree in Industrial Design at LimKokWing University of Creative Technology in Cyberjaya. A decision that is extremely difficult to make. Especially when I'm extremely positive that I will choose a course none other than this for half a year.

First of all, It turns out I enjoy Graphic Design very much. Besides that, I've met a bunch of great friends during this semester. Not to mention, meeting an extremely special person along the way who picked me up and lead me out from the past. Something really unexpected yet I'm grateful it happened. =3

I'm really nervous about my result for my finals. Hopefully I'm able to apply at least a 50% scholarship =) Don't want to apply PTPTN cause I still have to pay back in the end. Hmm.. Is studying in UK possible? I wonder. I've not been thinking about this matter so often anymore ever since I have Bie.. But still, it's a dream I've held on to since I think maybe 7? Also one of the reasons why I gave up the scholarship to Cyberjaya, because it only offers study locally. LOL!! Lotsa far fetched desires and plans la me. Macam Macam!! Haha~ But who knows? Luck and Opportunity can take you by surprise!! Hopefully they dun come in between a situation where i have to make two Huge decisions because I might have to let go of an Opportunity that I've been dying for. BIG dreams eh, for a ___ girl like me. Don't know what word can be used to describe. XD

Enough OchiPaLa for now.. HeHe.. Hope to wake up to a better tomorrow when I open my eyes. Sweet dreams, everyone!!!!

Be strong! =)
Stay strong! =3
Ush!

BieBie working starting tomorrow. Good luck to you!! =)

What is this weird feeling I'm unable to explain? Why do I feel scared? Over what? Sha says it's normal for such changes to occur and that I should not worry. I know I should be focusing more on productive things, busy myself with something for the moment. If I start to get paranoid, I might do or say something stupid, and it might annoy him. Best be calm and not be too attached. If i cant go through this, how can I go on especially when school reopens and both will be busy with our studies. Get a grip. Everything will be fine.

Right, I know that even boxing day is over already but I still wanna write about Christmas. I'm supposed to wake up at 9am to get ready to go to boulevard, cause I need to find a box for Bie's present, I lay in bed until 1 something in the afternoon. Then I got up and went with mom, both of us with empty stomach. we walk around the clothes department to let mom have her time since she is always trapped at home. I wanted to get something for myself too but somehow I could not concentrate because I kept worrying about the box and checking the time and also wondering if I could spend my Christmas with him or just accept my friends' invite to a movie instead. Yes! Too much on my mind to actually worry about clothes! First time ever to actually pay serious attention to Christmas although I've always like Christmas. I'm giving my Bie a handmade present for the first time, THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS I TELL YOU!! Cause I'm actually kinda useless so I can't really cook stuff and is actually not rich enough to buy him stuff to please him like what other GFs would do, so on a special occasion like this I wanted to make something I put lots of effort in for him. So I finally left the clothes department after mom sense my lack of patience and me being not busy or excitedly looking at clothes, and I manage to get a ridiculously oversize brown box which doesn't look too girly or too plain after going into boulevard, popular and a gift shop. When I don't need boxes, there are so many of them to choose from, and when I friggin desperately need them they can hardly be found. I forgot about getting Oreos and rushed home because my friends said they would come and fetch me at 5pm and it was already 4pm and I still have not made my decision whether to join them and I still have to pack Bie's present nicely. So everything is done in a rush, skipped shower and packed present, cooked a packet of favourite instant noodles but did not finish and gave the rest to my brother because my friends said she is coming for me.

Sigh, I somehow know that I won't be spending a Christmas night with him though ( Mind you, my sixth sense sometimes tell me what's going to happen although not always accurate ). I tried my luck though and ask him if he wanted to join us for a movie. He said no, so it's OK la. PS do not persuade people unless she desperately has to or if she desperately wants something and doesnt care how the other person feels or consequences that will happen to that person, but PS care about how Bie will or might feel and what he wants to do , and since he already spent RM90 on Avatar that she rather him not go watch that ridiculous movie she watched, so PS did not plead. But then I still made him tell me when he reach home and reluctantly tell him my motives so that i could send the present over. I sent my present after the movie and he gave me his. Too bad I couldn't see his reaction. I really really hope he likes it. I don't know if God answered my prayers. I probably did not pray sincerely enough. I was actually very nervous the night before Christmas about giving him my present. He called after that telling me he took pictures of my present and posted it to facebook. He said a lot of something else but I can't hear most of it. Sorry Bie. Probably did mention about his feelings or something but I did not hear. Sigh. Friggin deaf ears.

Went to Isabella after giving him my present and commenting about his present while actually I'm very happy with the present and busy paisei-ing deep inside and subconsciously sniffing the tee shirt that he sprayed perfume or something on. I cincai cakap when I'm paisei ba. Ish.. Hate myself. There is only me Yhan and XY so XY invited Ya Cui and Nicholas over and we chatted about the past from Secondary to Primary about people we know or used to know and not heard about for a long time. Gossip about others. And updates about what happened to other friends and how they are doing. We moved outside when Isabella closes and chatted until we couldn't stand the mosquitoes we left. After sending Yhan home, Ya Cui said she felt hungry so we went to eat. Chatted for quite awhile and I reach home at almost 3, a broken record. If father is home I'm definately grounded. But somehow I don't feel like going home that night, that's why I agreed to go and eat. Haha.. Wanna be a naughty girl once in a while. Actually reluctant when Ya Cui says we should go cause she thinks that she and XY are boring me with talks on pubs and people and other things that I don't know.

One thing I hate most about plans is that things never went according to plan. Sigh. Bloody books on psychology asks you to visualize and things you visualize will come true. Mai siang sin la, pian lang eh! LOL. But still, at least this year I actually made something for someone important and I'm not spending Christmas alone with only mom or bro ( if father did not bring him along to celebrate ) at home this year. LOL. Something new for a change.

Bie Bie~ I miss you. Did not actually get a good look at you that night because I was nervous. Hope to see you real soon. Hope you feel the same too. LOVE YOU REAL LOTS!! xoxo

Feel weird weird, why he macam cold cold de? Did I do something wrong again? Or am I thinking too much again? This bloody blur queen needs a sign.

Hehe!! I thought I'm unable to get out of the house yesterday, but is fortunately saved by my baby. Actually I don't mind not going out, but then if he asks, it's a wholly different story.. Sorry la friends, I'm biased de mar.. XD LOL actually I plan to go countdown with Yhan, XY and Kim, but then I'm not allowed to drive to The Spring on an Xmas eve night. Frankly I'm not allowed to drive to any shopping malls that is bound to have traffic jams regardless day o night because my driving skills is not to be trust. BUT the problem is, father will always complain that I don't want to learn or practise driving when he himself wouldn't let me try. =.=" Memang banyak macam. So, the plan was cancel and I informed the rest. Kim seems happy enough not to go, just as I'm kinda relieved I don't have to drive (at the same time frustrated too, cause I don't like to say I cant after I said yes and I did that too often because of daddy overprotectiveness or his last minute change of mind) but I'm sorry for yhan cz she wouldnt be able to get the Nicole dress she wanted. XY will have other plans definately if we cancel, cause it's very hard to picture her spending a Xmas eve night or an Xmas night at home so I'm not really worried. Then Bie called me and asked me if I want to go to The Spring. I screamed after I hung up. LOL! Went around The Spring and stopped at Gasoline for a drink. Sibeh sweet the drinks! Supposed to go and quench our thirst, we ended up getting more thirsty, at least i felt so. I don't like drinks that are too sweet. We went home before the countdown even started to avoid traffic congestions after the event, but it does not matter at all because I get to spend 2 hours with Bie, which I did not expect. XD I dont remember celebrating Xmas.. This year might be different. Hope i can meet him again today, cause I have something important to do. HeHe.

*Dear lord, Please let me meet him later today and hope he likes what I have for him, Amen.*

Wee!! one month jor!! ^^ Bie Bie, I love you so nah~

Back from Damai yesterday looking like keling moi. Went with Ah Wei, Yheng, YHan, Kim, Ai, Siang Huei, Siang Hui, KV n Denn. YHeng told me we are going to Puri, but when we reach our destination I realise it's the exact same place that I've visited not even a month ago with my baby and my LKW gang. We live on the exact hilltop in the exact same room of my last visit. What the Fart!! YHeng claims that the room rates are too expensive at puri, so okla.. doesnt matter where we are, it's the company we are with that matters. I really had fun except the fact that I miss my baby a lot. Because you are at the same place you spent time with him, you tend to see and recall back and you kept wishing that he's there with you. Haha. I can even think about him when I'm swimming. Ish!! Bie~ Miss you la!! T^T

During our trip, I went strolling along the beach, swimming, play mud, mahjong, poker, UNO, eat sand, maggie, mee sedaap, sausages, beef, pork, seafood ( OO jian, butter prawn), lemon chicken, vege, jagung soup, wheatgrass cereal, drink plain water, 100 plus, swimming pool water, salt water, camwhoring, buat bodoh, hug bear n sleep like pig, lost a game of UNO and have to see my bear being abused by 4 pairs of horrible hands ( KV, SHuei, ZWei and YHeng ), and lastly, get hideously sunburnt that my baby might not recognise me when he sees me anymore! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! But overall, I had fun. ARANG ROCKS!! BILLEH!!! lml =o= lml ( copy zw them XD )

Few things to learn and remember:

*Never say nevermind when you actually mind, but I don't want to make him feel bad or make him think I'm being difficult.

*Cannot be too addicted to him because we both have other stuffs to attend to apart from each other. You cannot want to see him 24hours ba~~ And when new semester starts we will be seeing even less of each other. So cannot cannot cannot always want to stick with him *slap slap slap*, later he run away~~~

*Cannot be too dependent on him because he might get sick of it and you will never learn to be more alert when he's around.

what else?? Hmm.. Maybe later..

Tonight I'm going to another Xmas party. Not looking forward to parties as usual. =.= With people I dunno and playing all sorts of 'ice breaking games' which I'm not so fond of because the situation will just get colder. They all start with introducing yourself and I so so so friggin hate that. Why bother when most of the people will forget each others name the moment you finish telling them? Hates crowds hates strangers hates putting on a mask hates not knowing what to wear again everytime i have to leave the house. Ok, it's not that bad. I exaggerated. XD But then I do really feel uneasy at parties or outside my house. T^T
KIM!! never leave my side tonight I tell you!

I know that she still remains at a special place in your heart. I can't change that fact and I won't force you to. It's just that I cant help feeling a little down when i see things that are related to all the good times both of you had. I didn't want to write this down but then it's my diary. You asked me once whether i mind if you talk about her. I said I wasn't. It was true that time when I answered you. But that feeling started to change as I spend more time with you. Maybe it's because I grow to care more and more about you each day and is afraid of losing you.

It's okay if you wanna talk about her though because it's difficult not to. I still want to be your listener. Just sometimes if I tend to get a little moody over certain things (not everything) related to her, I hope you understand. =)

It's nice going out with you again. Though you say that you don't like it when it's too quiet, I like the quiet moments with you when I can just sit there and look at you. It's good to have you with me. And now, I miss you already.

Played badminton with Kim, YHeng, Denn and KV. One 'kaki' short. Bie couldn't make it cause he don't know where we were. I'm as noob as ever. But I had fun like yesterday. ^^ Tired as hell though. Sudden headache too. On the right side.

Yerrr.... Bie so bad. One whole day didn't get a chance to see him and he just left like that when i reach Sunny Hill.. Drive away. =( Did not notice actually but then, even if i stare at the car I might still be unable to recognise it unless i actually sees who is sitting in it. Sobs. Even my bro's kancil or my neighbour's car I oso wouldn't b able to recognise. XD

Hope to see you tomorrow la. Hehe!! Love you too much to actually get mad at you. Muacks!!

Oh no! Another mistake again. Let him know about my blog and make him feel bad again. Why do i have to ruin every happy moment?

Sorry.. I really thought about it for a long time before i let u have access to my blog. I wanted you to tell u because you shared me yours but at the same time I'm afraid I would make u feel bad. Don't take it too seriously, Bie. You know how negative I can be at times. It's something I wrote, about how I feel at that time. =(

Turns out i come back everyday. XD

Went swimming today. Really enjoyed being in the water. It's been a long long time since I actually swim in a pool. The one in Santubong after my STPM wasn't actually called swimming. Dipping in the pool full of people without goggles and in oversize tee and shorts isn't what i call enjoyable.

sigh

Read his blog. It's not over demanding baby. It's me. =( I'm a pain.

I've a problem talking about myself probably because i don't think i have experiences and things that are worth sharing. Overprotected by my parents, to protective of myself, I don't think I've had the chance to experience what's there for me in life. Another reason why i can't really talk about me is because of my lack of confidence and i don't really know who i am. All my life I've been told who I am and not know exactly who I am. I'm seldom given the chance to choose what i want and who i want to be. It's a miracle though that father actually let me choose what course and school i want to take and go to this year ( after few months of unhappy bickering) and I am extremely grateful. Nothing big has ever occur in my life that's worth mentioning. Even my brain could not seem find things worthy enough to store in it. Even the good times in National Service which is the most memorable experience I have ever had before i met you were already fading away. The biggest risk in life I've ever taken so far, is giving it all to you. I don't regret that, at least for now, because I love you.

There's another thing. I don't know what everything means because you can't just talk about anything when you are not in that topic at all. And i did try to really talk about stuff about me and my friends but u seem to have problems with your internet connection when i have something to share. =(
Nvm~ T^T

Clueless!!

Bie is right!! I'm clueless most of the time. It's because I am not at my own home. I can't feel completely at ease and confident when doing something at other people's place. Yes, including my baby's place. But then, i cant make that a reason. That has to change since I'll be going there often.

Today, he ask me to make him a cup of Milo. Then I realise I dunno how to get hot water out of a what do u call that? a flask? =.=" a whateveritis. Noob lo. Then I'm dropping things everywhere I go. Phone, wallet, even panty liner. clumsy and careless and clueless. I need instructions to everything. Even finding the charger for my phone. And even instructions doesn't work that well. F**K

Made Bie annoyed. Well, he claims he is just speechless. Haih. i dunno what to say. No point fending for yourself when you know that what he says is completely true. Feel so useless at times. When will that feeling go away?

But things got better after that. Watched him play basketball. Oh i love him in his white basketball jersey!! >.< He looks too good in them! <3
Ah well, hope everything goes well.

*slap slap* try not to be so blur, Princess!! If not your baby will run away!! *SLAP*