So, he's back in Kuching all safe, healthy, happy and flirty. Good to hear that. But news like that are disturbing. Past floods back and no matter how many times I try to tell myself and others he's just an unworthy piece of junk, I still remember all the good moments and what an angel he can be when dad wasn't an issue. I should say it is a relieve to not be part of his life anymore for it burdens me day by day but still memories wouldn't fade, no matter how less no matter how brief... As for the other you it is not a relieve not to be part of your life anymore. I wish I could make your days better, but I know I am even less than capable of doing so... For who am I?

Why do I say disturbing? Cz you 2 keep popping up in my dreams. It felt like I'm cheating although it's only a fucking dream. And no, I don't want to cheat. I am happy with who I am with now. My heart is as light as a feather, no burden no whatsoever. I am carefree and happy which I never once was, I mimicked all his characters of a child and be my true self. He isn't ashamed if I jumped about or misbehave like 3 year old, he is always proud to have me around, he'll try to make me feel better whenever I sulk, I needn't have to think twice before I say what I wanna say... What more can I ask for? No, I have not a single reason to want the past back or whoever is in it... I have a good life now... Dreams are just dreams,and dreams it shall remain...

But I still look forward to news from both of you from time to time tho.. Cz it doesn't feel alright to not know how you guys are doing...

It's no big deal... I just have to write it down and I will feel alright. Thanks and bye bloggie... See ya~~!

Have anyone ever felt this way... looking back on old photos that u stumbled across and start reminiscing the past? But no.. well, this isn't the point. I have a good life now, with someone who cares a lot about me. But looking back, I somehow miss it all and wish those moments would have lasted. It ache inside to think how I did not fully enjoy those times like it were the last. I kept thinking that we still have plenty of time and turned out we didn't have all the time in the world. Missing in most of the pictures where everyone is in, why was I too tired to enjoy back then? With him with my Limkokwing pals back in semester 1, I thought we have plenty of time to spend together, but it was never the same now. And being out of all those pictures all I have were memories left in my head. With him, why did I care about mistakes, why did u I care about conflict? We could have had the time of our lives. But those are lessons learnt that I could only apply now, with what I have now, with the person whom I meant something to, and someone whom I could learn to fully treasure for the rest of my life. It's just that I hate myself for having such thoughts at times, about what if there is still us - you and me. A silly thought.

Am not giving up! It's a promise =)

Craving for your hugs. I'll be a good girl! Teehee!! Love you lots!! Hope to see you soon! If daddy lets me.. =(

因为突然害怕失去而哭了。。。突然间的不安所以流泪了。。。因为他太疼爱我了，害怕变成习惯后就会消失。。。因为害怕梦醒时分全都化为乌有。。。虽然已经让他住进心里了，但现实中我还没答应当他的女友，依然还在朋友和恋人之间那个尴尬阶段。。。

他发现了我有些不对劲就问我怎么了。。。我笑一笑说没事。。。因为不希望我的胡思乱想让他着急或难过。。。并不是对他没信心，而是对自己。。。

因为一向来对感情事很认真，认为一旦谈恋爱肯定能让它持久，也会到永远。。事实上，到我陷入了生命中第一段恋爱后，才发现我所想的都是不对的。。。在理智时刻想着再面对问题时自以为正确的解决方式，一旦碰到真人真事，都派不上用场了。。。一个眼神，一个语气，一个场面都会影响我的判决能力。。。大部分导致我只能愣在那儿，像个傻瓜，什么都不敢说出来，不懂怎么表达。。脑袋一片空白，不懂要怎么回答。。怕说错，怕伤害。。。第二段恋情，我开始自私，开始小心翼翼。。。付出得刚刚好就好，有所保留。。。跟他时话说的也比较多一些。。。想说的也能勇敢说出来。。。我以为能是自己了，他会不同。。。但是一旦问题出现我又恐慌，不能好好判断，好好处理。。。左右为难，不管做什么都会让其中一方感到不满，渐渐失望，渐渐失去信心，渐渐不想说话，因为就为了一次的坦白，让问题无法收拾。。。到最后大家都看破，放弃。。。

虽然对于两段感情我都有埋怨对方无法体谅，说他们的不是。。但心里知道自己的不足，自己也有问题。。。如果只是他们的错，为什么他们对我的感情也只能维持一个月左右？问题一定是在于我没好好做。。。

lian 和 siang 一直一直让我十分羡慕，也替他们感到非常高兴。。。在一起那么久了，感情如初。。。我和他这一次是否也能像他们那样幸福吗？

再给我一点点时间吧。。。请不要轻易放开我。。。耐心的守护着我。。。真的很希望他就是对的人。。。


功课让我很压力。。。总觉得我无法做好。。。一切都对我来说很难。。。我的信心也消失不见。。。开始觉得我不适合当个设计师了。。。概念没了。。。就算有也做不出来。。。没有创意，没有品质，没有天分，没有技巧，感觉什么都没了。。。班上的同学一个一个有超大的进步。。。个个都很优秀。。个个作品都会让我有很矛盾的感觉。。。看了很喜欢很欣赏很羡慕很害怕很嫉妒。。。让我觉得怎么只剩下我还在后头。。。停留住。。。不在向前了。。。有时还感觉自己在后退。。。每天每天都有很想放弃的念头。。。可是又不甘愿就这样败给自己。。。白费之前的心思和努力。。。一直一直跟自己在心里挣扎。。。快疯了。。。没人帮得了我。。。因为找不到适合的人说出口。。。不懂谁才能真正了解。。。怎么办才好？

I had a chat with mom just now.. I asked if dad mentioned anything about him... She says she finds it weird that dad didn't question anything about him nor asked about his occupation or education and stuff for he showed an extremely different reaction when it comes to the previous guy. He seems to dislike Shyr Haw so much. Maybe it's because dad knows we are still currently friends or does he? He seems to know that he went along to Damai yet he gave me permission to go for that one night trip. I don't know what to think. Is it a good sign or a bad one？ He did mention once if i liked him though. I was taken by surprise. I smiled but did not answer. I just panicked a little that he even said his name, ok, his nickname, not his name. It's probably easier to remember that why he said it without difficulties. It's just that he used to call Zelt, Mikhael, no matter how many times i said Mikhael is his brother! and he didn't even wanna know Shyr Haw's name and just called him that guy, that guy....

Yes， I do like him. He's different. He not prince charming nor Mr gorgeous but there is something about him that makes him special. He is not pushy and tries to be understanding all the time. I tell him I am busy and I cant go out too often and he accepts it. I told him my reason for not accepting him right away a month ago and he said it's ok, he'll wait. He did push his luck and asked a few more times but when I asked for more time he said he could still wait. I don't know how patient he can be but I am not ready, and I doubt dad is too. I don't wanna create another commotion at home over boyfriends that soon. Dad has so much on his plate already. With grandma's medication fees costing more than my whole diploma and degree fees put together. Considering he still have to pay for both my bro and my education fees and also the fixing of damaged roofs thanks to termites infestation.

I don't know if he's Mr Right though. I'm still kinda freaked out from my previous experiences and feared that good things just won't last. He seems persistent, patient and caring. I felt more natural around him in a way that I am not completely mute around him. OK, I gotta admit, he is kinda cheerful and talkative all the time so i needn't worry about being too quiet. I like how he reacts and how he expresses himself, very funny, very genuine, I don't know. I could tell him anything, going all excited. all worked up, tell him I am upset and he wouldn't come telling me I am acting like an immature kid and that I shouldn't behave that way or it's my fault.

It has been a month and a day since he confessed. A month seemed like a taboo for me because things always change right after that. I'll see how it goes. Waiting for my wake up call at 830 later today.. teehee!!!

Still have tons of work undone.... HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't wanna die so soon!!!

happy moments last last last??? please tell me they do??? pretty please........

When will your life be less messed up?

It's not a great sight.. Hope you can depend less on those meds.. Get healthy soon, physically and emotionally...

I'm sorry if my sarcasm stabbed you hard in the chest sometimes.. It's not really intended.. Tell me so if I said anything of that sort again..

You can also talk to me bout anything... though my reply might be slow... I could listen if you need somebody..

Don't torture yourself anymore.. This is an order! Hugs <3

What is that nasty feeling I had the moment I read your status. It may not be pointed at me but somehow I felt like I stepped on the wrong toe..

I don't think I am at fault in any way but then I dislike conflicts especially with friends. I would rather you tell me you are not happy with me and the reason to it instead of using such ways.. I hope it's only me thinking too much..

Knew during such good moments a hideous storm would be brewing slightly ahead.. I hate stepping on toes or tails.. If I caused any displeasure do forgive me.. None of these is intended or expected...

他很温暖，人很好。。 我不急，也不再有贪念。。 喜欢此刻的样子。。 对他的感觉都是好的。。 虽然不懂是不是他人太好了，还是因为喜欢上他了。。 不管怎样，都不要让一切都来得太快，走得更匆忙。。 让我好好享受人生里的每一个春夏秋冬。。 凡事不必冲动，不必强求。。是你的终究会是你的。。 幸福会在前方等待。。 我期待。。 =）

You know, i do wish my parents were slightly more open minded and listen carefully till I finish before jumping into conclusions or try correcting me hastily because I really like sharing my thoughts, especially with people i love. Unfortunately, I lost interest in talking once they start to pop in a piece of their own advice before I finish.. It'll be nice if I could talk about my day, my problems and worries every night or at least per week and not getting negative remarks or retorts before I could even speak my thoughts out properly. I do need a listener.

I envy him having long chats with his mom every night. I mean every night! =(

Valentines Day..
Went out with Xying, Ah Ti, Andy, Su Yee..
Arrived at Sushi King to find it full.. We patiently waited and was fortunate to get a table in the end.. Great, we wanted to order but they tell us they ran out of rice.. What's sushi without rice? Damn! Tons of orders came late and the shop is about to close so we decided to cancel the remaining order.. Unfortunately, they kept us from doing so.. Rushed the orders.. Serving soba noodles or sth of that sort with cold soup and a piece of plastic inside.. ==" Worse thing is, when my friends called the waitress over to make a complaint she said, " Yee.. Plastic.." when we asked her.. "What is this inside my noodle?!" I couldn't help laughing my head off.. Well, WE couldn't help laughing despite feeling annoyed.. The forcefully rushed out all the orders so we had to pay for everything we ordered.. But ah well, what to do..

Was asked to go have a drink at Maurice the previous night.. But considering that I'll be the perfect disruption due to the need of getting home early.. I declined the offer.. Well, they had lots of chivas so luckily I wasn't there.. since I'm still an amateur drinker.. so they kinda celebrated Vday early.. Every single ladies were given roses..

Kinda touched that Ah Ti got me mine too when we went out just now. Thanks a lot! Hugs!

So Andy is a new friend i met.. A junior of mine too! And a magician!! hahhaha!! His card tricks are kinda amazing.. I mean, i did not expect to see one that up close in Kuching.. LOL!! This Ah Moi here very sakai bah! His wallet got fire keluar some more before the card we selected moved from the stack into the wallet.. Aiti!!

Sim Shyr Haw.. Sigh.. Still miss you, your hugs, your kisses, your smile, your scent, your shoulders.. But ah well.. Guess we weren't meant to be.. I wasn't very much in love with you when we first started because I couldn't have faith.. I fear you would leave me the moment I say I Love You.. But I learned to start loving you despite who you are.. Too bad there wasn't sufficient determination.. I didn't do my part well either.. I just hope you won't forget me that easily like you did with your past lovers.. For I know you'll stay forever in my memory.. Always.. You were special and unique in your own way.. Wish that things were different, wish that you were here.. Be healthy and happy always.. I shall bury you deep inside and move on..

Dong Li Huo Che - Na Jiu Zhe Yang Ba

动力火车 - 那就这样吧

为什么感觉上你好像越离我越远了？？？ 不要跟我说想爱但不能爱的遗憾什么的！！！！ 那个是努力坚持后还是没结果后才能说得！！！ 讨厌！！ 老天别戏弄我好吗？？ 就算一开始是我不好，虽然一开始我很害怕，虽然一开始我很不喜欢他懦弱的态度，但到最后我还是学习接受，配合，迁就了。。甚至对他的感情也越来越深了。。 你为何要在这个时候给我如此考验。。把他距离给拉远了还让此事发生？？ 我恨，我讨厌！ 每当我决定不顾一切，勇敢地跳落悬崖，事情就一一出现。。爸~~~ 快点回来救我吧！！ 就靠您了！

you are wrong.. you say if it's my father's choice i wouldn't be that sad.. If it were because of him, I would be even more unhappy because I would never never never want him to be the reason I lose someone important that would make me regret for life.. I dowan to look at daddy next time n feel a burning pain inside of me that reminds me of how i lose you..

Woke up early this morning, busied myself with house chores.. took an uneasy nap in the afternoon.. woken up several times by a few messages (unfortunately not from the one i was waiting for T^T) Gave up sleeping after the phone call from xying.. been eating, fb-ing, keroro-ing, skipping, rolling, sitting, standing, yet i couldn't get rid of that horrid sensation i feel at the pit of my stomach.

Damn it! Daddy, i need to learn how to walk, to fall and to learn how to get back up on my feet on my own.. You are being overprotective.. How am i suppose to grow up this way? Trust me this once ok? I promise i won't get hurt.. and even if it does not work out in the end, i swear i can deal with it better this time.. But how do I tell u all these before you start jumping into your own conclusions.. Give me a sign...

My dear, you are probably mad at me for putting you in such an ugly situation which tampered your ego greatly. But I just didn't want to give up that easily in the first place nor now. How do i fix things? How can i make it better?

为什么每次一个月过后总会有变化？好像上次那样。。早安没了，信息少了，电话少了。。用了一个月时间适应的环境，怎么会又起了变化。。可能再多一个月又结束？交往这东东是不是假期没事做拿来打发时间的其中一个活动？==“ 如果是这样的话，我会彻底绝望的！！！！ 啊啊啊！！！！

好啦！没事啦！！是我想太多~~