因为突然害怕失去而哭了。。。突然间的不安所以流泪了。。。因为他太疼爱我了，害怕变成习惯后就会消失。。。因为害怕梦醒时分全都化为乌有。。。虽然已经让他住进心里了，但现实中我还没答应当他的女友，依然还在朋友和恋人之间那个尴尬阶段。。。

他发现了我有些不对劲就问我怎么了。。。我笑一笑说没事。。。因为不希望我的胡思乱想让他着急或难过。。。并不是对他没信心，而是对自己。。。

因为一向来对感情事很认真，认为一旦谈恋爱肯定能让它持久，也会到永远。。事实上，到我陷入了生命中第一段恋爱后，才发现我所想的都是不对的。。。在理智时刻想着再面对问题时自以为正确的解决方式，一旦碰到真人真事，都派不上用场了。。。一个眼神，一个语气，一个场面都会影响我的判决能力。。。大部分导致我只能愣在那儿，像个傻瓜，什么都不敢说出来，不懂怎么表达。。脑袋一片空白，不懂要怎么回答。。怕说错，怕伤害。。。第二段恋情，我开始自私，开始小心翼翼。。。付出得刚刚好就好，有所保留。。。跟他时话说的也比较多一些。。。想说的也能勇敢说出来。。。我以为能是自己了，他会不同。。。但是一旦问题出现我又恐慌，不能好好判断，好好处理。。。左右为难，不管做什么都会让其中一方感到不满，渐渐失望，渐渐失去信心，渐渐不想说话，因为就为了一次的坦白，让问题无法收拾。。。到最后大家都看破，放弃。。。

虽然对于两段感情我都有埋怨对方无法体谅，说他们的不是。。但心里知道自己的不足，自己也有问题。。。如果只是他们的错，为什么他们对我的感情也只能维持一个月左右？问题一定是在于我没好好做。。。

lian 和 siang 一直一直让我十分羡慕，也替他们感到非常高兴。。。在一起那么久了，感情如初。。。我和他这一次是否也能像他们那样幸福吗？

再给我一点点时间吧。。。请不要轻易放开我。。。耐心的守护着我。。。真的很希望他就是对的人。。。


功课让我很压力。。。总觉得我无法做好。。。一切都对我来说很难。。。我的信心也消失不见。。。开始觉得我不适合当个设计师了。。。概念没了。。。就算有也做不出来。。。没有创意，没有品质，没有天分，没有技巧，感觉什么都没了。。。班上的同学一个一个有超大的进步。。。个个都很优秀。。个个作品都会让我有很矛盾的感觉。。。看了很喜欢很欣赏很羡慕很害怕很嫉妒。。。让我觉得怎么只剩下我还在后头。。。停留住。。。不在向前了。。。有时还感觉自己在后退。。。每天每天都有很想放弃的念头。。。可是又不甘愿就这样败给自己。。。白费之前的心思和努力。。。一直一直跟自己在心里挣扎。。。快疯了。。。没人帮得了我。。。因为找不到适合的人说出口。。。不懂谁才能真正了解。。。怎么办才好？

I had a chat with mom just now.. I asked if dad mentioned anything about him... She says she finds it weird that dad didn't question anything about him nor asked about his occupation or education and stuff for he showed an extremely different reaction when it comes to the previous guy. He seems to dislike Shyr Haw so much. Maybe it's because dad knows we are still currently friends or does he? He seems to know that he went along to Damai yet he gave me permission to go for that one night trip. I don't know what to think. Is it a good sign or a bad one？ He did mention once if i liked him though. I was taken by surprise. I smiled but did not answer. I just panicked a little that he even said his name, ok, his nickname, not his name. It's probably easier to remember that why he said it without difficulties. It's just that he used to call Zelt, Mikhael, no matter how many times i said Mikhael is his brother! and he didn't even wanna know Shyr Haw's name and just called him that guy, that guy....

Yes， I do like him. He's different. He not prince charming nor Mr gorgeous but there is something about him that makes him special. He is not pushy and tries to be understanding all the time. I tell him I am busy and I cant go out too often and he accepts it. I told him my reason for not accepting him right away a month ago and he said it's ok, he'll wait. He did push his luck and asked a few more times but when I asked for more time he said he could still wait. I don't know how patient he can be but I am not ready, and I doubt dad is too. I don't wanna create another commotion at home over boyfriends that soon. Dad has so much on his plate already. With grandma's medication fees costing more than my whole diploma and degree fees put together. Considering he still have to pay for both my bro and my education fees and also the fixing of damaged roofs thanks to termites infestation.

I don't know if he's Mr Right though. I'm still kinda freaked out from my previous experiences and feared that good things just won't last. He seems persistent, patient and caring. I felt more natural around him in a way that I am not completely mute around him. OK, I gotta admit, he is kinda cheerful and talkative all the time so i needn't worry about being too quiet. I like how he reacts and how he expresses himself, very funny, very genuine, I don't know. I could tell him anything, going all excited. all worked up, tell him I am upset and he wouldn't come telling me I am acting like an immature kid and that I shouldn't behave that way or it's my fault.

It has been a month and a day since he confessed. A month seemed like a taboo for me because things always change right after that. I'll see how it goes. Waiting for my wake up call at 830 later today.. teehee!!!

Still have tons of work undone.... HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't wanna die so soon!!!