Sigh, most of the time when u were hurtful and letting me down, I often decide to not stand up for myself and force the feeling aside because I rather keep a friend. I still carry on trusting. I try to reflect and blame myself instead for being too dependent on friends and even try less to ask help in case I'm said to be mafan. I dono why but I am very sensitive with this word. Previous KL trip was a nightmare because I couldn't help but rely on friends and the more I tried to be less troublesome the more I bring trouble and slowing people down.

Today, my temper got the better of me, I couldnt keep it inside so I let out some of my feelings and I know I will be seen as a bad person now. But I tried to keep myself in the most rational way possible.. I never wanted to start a fight or be harsh cz it is hurting inside too... :(

It hurts to see all my hard saved money gone just like that due to my reckless shopping... I've never been like that before... Sigh... I think I have to have more control and discipline over myself =( Money dont grow on trees and I despise not having money... It really sucks to have only rm7 in my wallet right now =(

Too much time yet nothing is done!! How is that possible?! It's annoying how idle life has become. I have no will to fight or to even move. I miss my spirit in Semester 1.


I was daydreaming in the afternoon as usual when something or rather someone popped up of my mind. I was randomly thinking about hugs when he appeared. seemingly weird of all 3 guys I missed his hugs the most. It was safe and comfortable yet not too strangling tight. We have nothing to do with each other anymore. We keep in touch, is still friends and we havent seen each other for a really long time and that's that... I don't get why I am having these funny thoughts every time it's about a hug.. =.=! And he msn-ed me awhile ago and we had a little chat. Didn't say much because he didn't have much to say...

My boy is great and everything but somehow I find his hugs a bit too tight, too suffocating and at times it hurts... It made me wanna push away... And at times, it is really really difficult to make him understand me, how I feel... I should say he is less sensitive regarding other people's feelings... Sometimes I feel he said too many Sorries it didnt seem sincere at all... It always sounded like he just wanted to make me stop feeling angry or sad for that moment just to feel less guilty and not trying to understand why I feel and reacted such... He'd make me promise not to think about it again without understanding that I don't just put things aside even after I told myself I will. My brain doesnt work like that. Every little bit of things just accumulate... I tried bringing it up, wanting to make him understand but he just shook it off, told me I had promised not to think about it again. He thinks forcing a lot of sorries to me, making cute faces and forcing me to forget and stop thinking about it would make everything alright but it is not. Most of the time I just let it go, I forgave him, very easily because it's really painful to stay mad but it doesnt mean I forget. It's almost a year with him I just hope this wont be a major problem between us. I am still very bad at handling relationships and I just hope the road ahead would be less bumpier for us...