There's always a thought that keeps coming through my mind. It's not purposely done but yea, it occasionally pops up. 'What if the doctor says u have not much time left?What would u do?'

Honestly, I wouldn't know what to do or where to start. But if it is the 3rd or final stage, not much hope, I wouldn't waste my time undergoing painful chemotherapy sessions in the hospital. I have tons of unaccomplished dreams. 1st, to study abroad, preferably UK. 2nd, earn lotsa money to afford a house and a car and a doggy or two (Big dreams, but cant just count on a guy to get u those, cz u might not find one). 3rd, get married? I said I wouldn't wanna get married when I was real small. But I take that back. I can't possibly live alone without another person there to love or love me in return, especially not after I've felt it once. But I'm not all that confident with a guy now. Well, another thing is, it would be a pity to not get into the world's most beautiful dress for once in your life. Yes! A wedding dress. BUT how are u going to accomplish all these within a few short months? Ah well, the 3rd is definately inpossible, so is the 2nd. U wouldnt be getting married if u are going to die nor waste ur money buying a house which u have not much chance to live in.

One thing is for sure, one reason why i wouldn't waste time undergoing chemo is to use more of the time going outside and spend more time with people i love, regardless family, friends or that particular person and not looking all pale ugly and in pain which would affect their moods or let them pity me.

For those who care, don't get so alarmed. I'm not undergoing any life threatening situations. I m just posting my thoughts. It's not the first time i think about it. 2 family members had passed away due to cancer, a lot of other people around us, mom n dad's colleagues, and with my bloody lifestyle now which i find it so hard to change because I feel more productive late at night. Desmond said I must try to change. He got annoyed when he said I should try sleep at 2 and i went to bed at 3. He wished me luck for escaping the fatal fate with my lifestyle now. eek!

It's mother's day today, why am I all EMO?? ==" I se bak jiam after i cried a little few days ago n wiped my eyes with uncleaned hand or mayb because of blocked pores. It happened a few times because of that already. Or maybe because of the weather n did not drink enough water. hmm~ Anyways, mom made liang teh for me today, which I am very grateful for. Thanks a lot mom! Love ya! ^^

great! crap! wad have u done, PS? why on earth do u always need answers? Now, not only u did not get things clear, u feel hurt n bad, n then make that person feel hurt. for wad? Why cant u ever live without wanting answers. Do u really have to know? Why on earth do u have to be like this. Pro at making ppl suffer. Aaarghh! crap!

Is he in love with someone else?
I dowanna think about it. but still.. i would wanna know.. even if it would tear me apart.

ru guo you ni zai, na gai you duo hao~
just came back from sri aman.. the journey was too long and uncomfortable. sitting in the bus.. tried to sleep to avoid motion sickness.. but the neck became very stiff due to the very awkward position. If only u were there.. i would have some one to 'ne' and a very comfy shoulder to lean on.. i was lucky to have lilian tho.. just that it would be different. Sigh.. But sigh.. no use to think anymore now la.. sad.. been thinking about u in the bus~ sigh..

But overall it was ok because lilian and derrick shao ye was around.. but i got my lens wet due to the huge wave, n got my ass flat due to the very long and tormenting journey.. Did not get much pictures tho.. Oni got sunburn..>< Now looking like keling moi again~

I want to sleep awhile.. then do assignments later. Need to do revision for monday's test too.. Sigh.. Lotsa memorising..

Going to Sri Aman tomorrow and I m still here~ Have yt pack my bags. I don't really feel like going as I will miss my bed, my tuang tuang, and my vippie~ May I'll bring tuang tuang along. But I m afraid I'll lose him or dirty him. Mayb I'll bring Teddy. Teddy's been neglected I ought to make things up by bringing him to the trip. But, a problem. He's a lot more bigger than tuang tuang. Not easy to lose but taking up a lot of space. I'll pack the essentials first. n if there is still space, I'll take either one along. I dowanna spend some sleepless night in a foreign place without something o someone to hug. I get so insecure at night! Why?! I nid a soft toy and I need a bit of dim light. I don't think I wanna get an eye shut now since I'm still so alert. 2 more hours to go. Not a good idea to sleep now cz I'll be even more tired later.

Sigh~ he isn't enjoying his holidays when he is supposed to. Curse that crappy stomach ache. Such mixed feelings of his too.. Sigh.. Wanted to chat longer but erm. Sigh.. I dono wad is right to say, dont wanna ruin his already rotten mood. Kinda got stuck n did not ask or say further when he did not reply. Hope he's sleeping real tight now. I cant finish my typo poster like how i planned to. Damn! Really knt on fb and msn and do hw at the same time. Stomach ache!! Aiks! Gotta poo, Cz I wont be able to poo away from home. I nid home toilet~ bt will oni be back on friday at who knows what time?!

After struggling for awhile, i told a fren a deep dark secret I was afraid to let out. He told me his in return. I feel relieved for now, but then, i hope he is trustworthy enuf. Cz if he really did betray me i still wouldn't do the same to him. It's been difficult. All kept inside. Hidden. Afraid to let others know, especially really close frens and family. Afraid what others would think. Fear~ Fear how it would affect other people's impression on me, fear wad effect it would have on my future. One mistake could just affect certain things in the future. Some may think it isnt a big deal tho. but to others well.. I dono..

Stupid me~ Haih~

sob sob! my greatest fear too! i'll try n find the full strip!