I'm sorry I'm here again.. this is the only place that can make feel better now.. to release it and then feel temporarily better..

How long will this go on? Why cant I why cant he pretend nothing has happened.. Say also regret, no say also scared regret.. But my mistake was change of attitude at the first place.. Can't stop aching, even when I don't face him.. I didn't know it could be this difficult.. I miss that him terribly but now he is too far to be reached already.. Some people say it takes very long to recover because he's not a stranger but a friend.. but how long? 2 years? 3 years? I don't have that long.. Going on like this it will be the end.. There will be a huge gigantic gap between us that can never be filled or mended anymore if too much time has passed.. Why, things could turn bad overnight and it might take forever or never recover at all? What kind of test in life is this? I cannot think the way you think, that u can list someone as whoever he means to u no matter how he treat u, nor can i ignore the fact of all the phacking changes was all my fault, nor can I do what Ray said and just give up on you, on saving our friendship, and move on with a new life. I hold on to memories, the past, and treasure them.. wanting to keep them the way it is.. It's not sth my heart can withstand any longer.. He didn't even say good night anymore.. I wouldn't have cared in the past.. But I phacking care a lot now..

I wish my wying wying were here.. I really wanna just hug her tight and pour my heart out..

Now my heart is open for u, there is other way to close it until u are happy with someone else.. I guess I'll just have to endure it till that day.. or if I'm fortunate enough, until the one arrives..

Dear Lord, You have not been answering my prayers, but I'll pray to You again nevertheless.. Help me go through this strongly and bravely.. Hope things get better soon day by day, hope we could go back to how it was.. or if I could just have this greedy thought just this once, that he'll just walk in through the door.. Amen~