Am I a weirdo? I always admire or envy people or friends who are naturally owes noticed or in the limelight, getting attention wherever they go, making and hanging around with others easy and leaves impressions on others easily. Yes, it's because well, I am kind of the opposite of that, nearly owes blended so well with the background that people just don't remember ever seeing you around.

No, that's not the weird part yet. Deep inside I really wanted people to notice. No, no, I'm not an attention seeker, at least I think I am not. However, I just wished people would at least noticed and remember for something I've done and is good at. For example take a glimpse at my stuff and remember, 'oo that's the girl who likes to draw cute stuff and is kinda good at it'. But sadly people just don't. I don't leave impression with teachers what more to say people who only met me once. But the sad part is, when there's actually a chance for people to notice me, or when someone called my name and asked me to show my stuff to the rest of the world,instead of jumping up enthusiastically and say,'Yeah, cool!', I get tense and recoiled, wishing hard that people will just look away and that I could just shrink and vanish, keep on shaking my head refusing to go up until all those people who initially look at me with full anticipation looked disappointed and divert their attention on others then I kinda get all upset and disappointed and annoyed at the other part of me who felt relieved.

Why do I get so uneasy with that I wonder. It's really a dilemma when a part of you wants to show people out there, ' This is what I've got. This is what I've done and had spend every effort I have doing it and is now here to impress you guys.' while the other part says, 'No, no, leave me alone, go away, I'm scared. You are making me uneasy. I wish I could just die or evaporate on the spot.' This is sucky! If only I am half as easy going as natasha, mikhael, derrick and lilian, half as confident as desmond, half as disciplined and calm as gaowu, I would have been someone better.

I am also in a dilemma when picking this subject. Why? Well, all I've every like and will put effort into doing is arts. But the design field requires you to be able to talk, promote and sell what you have produced. Now, that's the part I hate. I hate persuading people to like my stuff because to me, if you like buy la, if you don't don't lo. Ok, I get depressed when people don't like what I designed, but all the same, I won't tell them to like it. I am not a people's people as well. I clicked well only with very minimum groups of people that I am very comfortable with. I don't like going to parties or places where lots of people hang around and you just don't really know them at all. I don't take initiatives either. Most of the time, I would like to be just like lilian, seeing someone's mom and just call, " Aunty!" see someone you know and just say, "Hi!" without caring if the mom hears you or not, if she sees you, if she still remembers you, will you sound too rude if you are too loud and so on, or if your friend sees you or still remember you and stuff. It's annoying. I get so tense when I'm at people's house because of that, and his house last time. I saw his mom, I always hesitate because I often like eye contacts before saying something or calling out, but then other people will start calling first and then u ended up being the last one or sounding too soft I doubt she ever hears me. Don't know if she thinks I'm rude. Sigh. Sometimes mouth sweet sweet is essential but I just cant bring myself to do it. And sometimes I wanna care, like when I see people drop something, see a blind walking, yes, I want to go over and help but somehow something is pulling me back and i just stood there stuck, half reaching out half not. I'm always placed in such situations. I see mom or dad on their birthday, or mother's day, father's day but I just cant bring myself to say, Happy birthday, Happy mother's day, or Happy fathers day, I love you. Or say bye dad, when he drop me off, or bie, hugs, love you last time when I was with him when all those I really wanna tell them. I have to actually go home, or hide in the room or when they are out of sight then I would sms them and say,"happy birthday dad, love you!" It's like my jekyll and hyde is equally strong or probably hyde slightly stronger I ended up not doing what I initially wanted to. At the end of the day, I would just hide inside my room and beat myself up real hard for everything. zzzz.. Complicated that I don't know what to do with myself..