After waking up and before going to sleep is like hell.. The pain is even unbearable when the pipe doesn't leak so much anymore and the pain was stuck inside your chest you are unable to let it out. Tears tend to divert your pain away but when tears ceased, the throbbing pain in your chest is all you can feel. It felt like sleep is a temporary pain killer. You don't get to sleep well but then at least you are not wide awake enough for all those horrible truths to come and attack you, stabbing you left, right center. It's so tormenting. Sometimes I would just grip my wrist real tight, sometimes digging my finger nails in real hard hoping external pain could at least ease the pain felt inside. Afternoon naps does act as pain killers as well, but the worse part of it is, you would have to go through waking up and going to sleep twice a day.

Had a chat with wying, pouring my heart out, crying at the same time. And also with lance but not letting in as much and been talking about other stuff with him. Wying had went through all of it and she says she understands. It's exactly like how she felt. Where has the ice princess gone? Why is she all so vulnerable now? If given a choice in future, I wish after I go back to my icy self, so that no other guy would come and melt me and then leave me in a huge watery mess again. Until, if there's some hope I could have him back again.

Kim kim asks me not to stay home and go out. But boulevard wasn't a good idea. It's somehow one of the places where I started to notice the distance between us. And famous amos, I remember him happily picking sweets with siang and lilian while I stood there wondering what went wrong and also feeling invisible. It was also that time lilian told me siang said he love buenos. It's been on my mind ever since. Something I must get him. I still have lotsa plans I wanna do for him but they can't be put to use anymore. Also a little something made halfway. If I had threw pride away and find him more often even though he'd been so cold, if only i just run over to him and pull his hand or give him a hug risking him pushing me away or walk away from me in front of my friends. If only i could lose my temper once in awhile telling him that I want him with me and not liking him acting that way like what other gfs would do. If only I would go find him often and ignore the fact that he's been different. If only i spent more time looking at him. If only I took more pictures with him. All those if onlys. Now i feel all empty. A huge chunk of me taken away. All left were regrets of mistakes done, things left undone, things that cannot be done. Honestly, there's already something wrong on Christmas, or even before that. The present, I thought he'd be happy. I was all excited and stuff, hoping to see what reaction he will give me, but the response was weird. I dunno. The clueless part probably, one of the starting cause. I became even careful after that, thus adding more to my unnatural self. It's also a mistake to be reading all his blogs about stuff of his past. Should have let things flow naturally, finding out things about him by myself. I know it's pointless, but all these kept flowing in one by one. I'm probably one of the worse gf on earth and I deserve no one in case I start giving misery again.